With Integrity: What Does 'I' Mean for You? - 14th November 2017

Now some might say that this surrender sounds like make-believe to me. How can it actually work? It's not logical. So you are in a different temperament. So then the sages have said to inquire. Now what does it mean to inquire? All the clues that I posted the other day... after this inquiry, whatever that something might be, you feel like you are the body. What witnesses that? The sensation that you are calling body, who witnesses those? You feel like you are some feelings. Is that which witnesses these feelings also a feeling? You feel like you are some thoughts. What witnesses those? This is inquiry: to inquire 'Who am I?'

So whether you inquire in this way, 'Who am I?', or you inquire as 'Neti Neti' (not this, not this), which means whatever the clue is, recognize that which is the unchanging. If that is the clue, then you go layer by layer. You see the world is changing, so I am not this. The body is changing, so I am not this. Thoughts are changing, I am not this. Emotions are changing, I am not this. What remains is my very existence. Is that changing or unchanging? And this must come from your own insight. What witnesses all of this changing? Is that itself changing or unchanging? And you will find that as you inquire with openness, the representation of the 'I'—'I am something'—starts to fade away, dissolve more and more. All these false notions about yourself cannot survive in the light of your own inquiry.

So then, it must mean just that opening to allow these notions to be surrendered or to be inquired into, even your most highly held spiritual notions. And it is completely, completely possible for you to recognize this now. Even better news is that whatever might be the product of your—the seeming product of your surrender or self-inquiry—is already your natural state now. If you feel that you will get something as a result of surrender or inquiry, forget about even that. Because that whichever, whatever you feel you could get is naturally present here. You are whole and complete, you see? But if you are infected with the 'but', you see? 'But I am free,' 'but I am the Self,' 'but I am awareness,' 'but...' All of spirituality is designed for just this 'but'. Only to bring you to your originality, to your naturalness right now.

You will not become God because you cannot become that which you already are. You will not become the Self because you cannot become that which you already are. So what is the way to put down this mask? As long as you feel that the mask is real, you can surrender the mask or inquire into the reality of the mask. So if you look at Satsang, most of Satsang is an invitation to surrender. Whether we say 'don't believe your next thought' or whether we say 'allow everything to come and go,' whether we say 'remain open, remain motionless,' it's just an invitation to let go of this concept, this representation of 'I' which could mean something for you.

Now whatever that something might be, even if it is a highly held spiritual notion, in the design of the play it will be attacked and it will cause this psychological state called suffering. This is what Papaji was talking about when he said 'be vigilant till the dying breath.' It only meant that when the pinch of suffering is coming, notice that the 'I' represents something and surrender that something or inquire into its reality. So in this way, vigilance is not that you have to become like the nighttime security guard or something, constantly checking 'who's coming, what's coming, is that a thought, is that a feeling?' You're not like that. That doesn't sound very free at all, does it? It is only that when something is pushing our button, we are not getting into some sort of an Advaita denial of it and we are happy to expose it in the light of our own being. That is vigilance.

Haven't you seen the sangha? For those who've been in Satsang for a long time, you've seen this happen, isn't it? 'Father, this is what's happening to me, but actually I know nothing is happening to me, I'm awareness.' You know, 'I feel this, I think this, but actually I'm aware.' So this conflict of playing with two opposite notions which is causing this inner war—that is why I don't want even the great concepts like 'I am That,' 'You are That,' or 'I am God,' 'I am awareness.' These should not become concepts because they will only participate in your conceptual war, either with the world or with yourself. So using Bhagavan's metaphor, this is the stick that has been used to light the funeral pyre, but throw the stick also in the pyre.

Now many of you have heard it many times and you say that yes, it is this 'something' which is identity, which is the ego, which is the source of all suffering. And I see that as I surrender it, as I remain open, as I inquire, I find that this 'something' is meaningless. I cannot be that which I have believed myself to be. You are coming here now. Many of you will report that here there is some fear or wobbliness or something, you see? It seems like this is the withdrawal symptoms from the idea of 'something.' And I am telling you that Satsang is here every day so that you can get over these withdrawal symptoms.

My Guruji rightly uses the term 'naked.' It can feel too naked all of a sudden to be without the concept, to be without the notion of yourself. And that is why you rush to picking up something from the past. 'Father, it was so clear yesterday, but then something happened. My partner said this or my children said this or somebody said this and then all this happened to me.' All of this, whether you realize it yet or not, is an escape from this fear. Or even if you say today, 'Today, ah, today I really got it, you see? This is it, man, this is it. Today I'm really hearing you for the first time and I really got what you are saying.' I'm saying it is not even that. Even this can be an escape from the fear of being conceptless, motionless. The 'I' which represents someone who 'got it' is as much fake as the 'I' that represents somebody who hasn't got it yet. Both are not true.

So if there is wobbliness, let's wobble together. It is completely fine. So for some it is fear. Now there might be others saying, 'I have no such fear, so I must not be getting what he's saying.' But it is not a prerequisite. It can be completely sober. Only 'something' was dropped; there never was 'something' that I was. It can be a very simple direct recognition. Or for some of you—and someone reported this also—that big joy could be coming down. And none of this 'I am so beyond.' So what comes as a side effect, as the by-product, don't allow even that to make a representation out of you.

Now there are some temperaments where neither surrender makes sense nor inquiry is making sense. But you might feel like, 'I just like coming here. I just like coming to Satsang. I don't know what he's saying, I have no idea about this "I am something," you see? What is going on? Nothing but a light coming.' And that is fine. But there might be some, and especially if you're new, you might feel like, 'Surrender? Inquiry? No. And I don't even like coming here. I don't even like this guy's face or his voice, nothing.' You see? It's just somebody has told me 'this is very good, this is very good,' my friends told me, you know, my family, and I'm just here. And you don't have to do that. Don't have to torture yourself because what you will end up picking up from Satsang is a new set of concepts.

That's why I've told all of you that don't force anyone to come, not even gently. Don't be affected by what they might report about it because you might invite someone to Satsang and you might feel like, 'Today it was really good, wasn't it?' And you ask them and they're like, 'No, it was all nonsense, I didn't get anything.' That is fine. In the play of conditioning, in the play of temperaments, every temperament is unique and some will play with other ways to rid themselves of this 'something,' whether it is chanting, whether it is some other meditation technique, whether it is... it doesn't matter. Whatever consciousness is taking care of itself.

But if you are in this place now when it seems like 'I can look, I can check who am I,' or the sense that 'I don't know who I am but I know that my life is the Satguru's problem,' then the reformation of this truth is already starting to become apparent. So actually in this short time we encapsulated this entire quest for freedom. All the clues for your inquiry are available because to inquire it seems like you need one master concept which ultimately will be thrown into the fire, but something which seems to light the way: Who am I? Can the perceiver be perceived? What witnesses all things? Can that itself be witnessed? What is the unchanging one? Is there something which is unchanging? What does not have a boundary either of time or of space? What is beyond the four states?

Now you don't have to remember all these clues. Just anything, any one which appeals to your heart, you can take. And for those for whom any of this sounds like it is too much effort or something like this, just let everything go. But just to say 'I am letting everything go' is not enough. Nothing can be your problem now. That is why Guruji uses camphor in the fire ceremony. Let your surrender leave no residue. Nothing is yours. And here you will see that surrender and inquiry are the same. 'Nothing is yours' and 'you are nothing' are two ways of saying the same thing.

Now I made it very simple for all of you. I feel like I've made it very simple: that all confusion is confusion about the 'I' and behind that it's a representation of 'I' as something. So confusion means suffering. And have you even defined what suffering is? Grievances, resentment, pride, guilt—all these psychological afflictions are suffering. The basis for all of this is a misunderstanding about who you are. How to find if there is a misunderstanding about who I am? Check for yourself and see who this 'I' represents. And today's Satsang we've broken down all these things and looked at what it could represent and how to let go of this notion, of this representation. That's all actually there is to it.

Now you might say that what about the Self? As you're empty of the notion that 'I am something,' the Self is apparent. You don't have to take a step. The Self is apparent to you right now. You might not believe it, but I don't need your belief, you see? Your belief is only to something conceptual. The Self is not conceptual. You are the Self right now. Whatever the mind might be saying, whatever emotion might be saying, whatever body pain you might have, whatever might be happening in your life, you are this. And this is apparent to you till you start playing with your mask. Even as you are playing, it is apparent to you, but then you play as if you are something individual.