Looking into Knowingness and Presence - 1 June 2016

Don't, don't mind. So don't hand it over to the mind because it'll only, you know, I often give this example that I baked a chocolate cake for you and if you give it to the mind, it's only going to mix mud in it. So you're coming to very beautiful, very pristine realization. Don't wait for your mind's interpretation of this because the mind will always say things like, 'Oh, then this becomes like two mirrors facing each other, it's an endless loop.' No, it's very clear. You know that you exist. It's straightforward, full stop. There is no loop. But if you give it to the mind, I know it can happen like this. The mind says, 'So now how is it done? What next? But this being then, is it not knowing?' It's all trying to confuse you because it can no longer convince you, it tries to confuse you.

Because Father, like it was like I, I got a little kind of like anxiety. It's like as if I'm like stuck there because, because after that kind of realization, I could not take out my focus or attention to anything because everything is just like changing. And I found that place, it's kind of like an axis which is, at least the mind can hold to that. Like it was so restless and I found like this sense of existence is the constant and everything else is just like, even if it is consciousness, even if it is everything is one, but still I see that everything is just changing. And that is only the resting place of my mind and I don't come out of it. And later on I got little of anxiety, if weirdness, like as if I am trying to cling to that one. And then honestly I tried to search with Mooji's, like Mooji saying something on the 'I Am' and then I found he mentioned like exactly he told like mind will be asking 'What next? What next? Stay there.' So, so it's kind of Father, like it's, it's, it's a direct experience because, because I have juggled with so many frames, models, concepts and everything and none of them worked for me because for everything I have to imagine something and something. So this is when I first realized like what it is. Like everything is changing, what it is that 'I' is it like constant? Or I forgot all these words, awareness and everything, but I found like the sense of existence is always there and that gives the continuity of the life actually. That makes me, that makes feel that this person, whatever this and this is continuing this life. But sometimes it's like as I mentioned, like this mind takes over this one and says like, 'Okay, if you found it, sometime do you say so?' Sometimes it's the mind says like, 'You did good job, you found it.' In some point it scares me, 'You are stuck,' because I can't do anything else. Like I will, people are thinking I am getting losing interest in everything. Like my family thinks I am getting lethargic, no more interest in anything. And now the next anxiety is like the India trip. I am scared because I can't talk, socialize with people anymore as I used to because I can't talk anything else about jewelry, shopping and all those because yeah, let's... it's sometimes I feel a little bit of hard how to talk, how to prepare myself to talk with my family because they will be thinking, 'Is she going under depression or what is that she is, why she's behaving?' Because I told my dad like about little bit about satsang and everything, he like, he told, I mean all family members says like, 'Oh, you can't be Ramana, you can't be in this Advaita. They are blessed souls, they are only made specifically for like sainthood and all that.' So you know Father, like, I mean I don't want to debate, I don't want to be kind of... but I'm like feeling helpless.

So what happens is that you're getting this beautiful discovery, this beautiful recognition, and you say that 'I Am' is the only constant when this is known, no? Now after this, when we give this also to the mind, it starts putting conditions: 'I am scared, I am lethargic, I am losing it, I am depressed.' Either you are putting the conditions or those minds around you seem to appear up, being mind which is trying to put some condition to this pure sense of existence, I Am. But the condition can only, only, only be added if you give it some belief. A very common part of this switching over from person idea to just handing over to existence, it is very commonly seen that this play of losing interests happens, you see. And this sense that other family members come and say you're depressed happened here. It happened with everyone actually. I remember the time where my family would come and say, 'What, you're losing all interest? You just... are you depressed? What happened to you?' It was the happiest time. There's so much emergence of joy. Maybe then I would go to the mirror and see, 'How am I looking? What is this face showing then?' So, and then what happened is that after this phase also went, then I found that most of the time there was this big smile upon my face. Yeah, this is this big satsang grin. It is constantly start. Now, now even that is settled down, so the inward smile continues but the face is not constantly grinning. I remember my jaws used to pain almost every day, like cheeks and why they're just stuck. God, something would have felt, 'Okay, you wanted it to show outward the joy that you're feeling inwardly, here you go.' So if you see some photos of mine maybe three, four, five years ago, you see that there was this constant satsang grin. Now I notice that that is settled down, it's more relaxed, it's not showing outwardly so much. So all of this is the natural flow of these things. Now you just don't attach anything to this I Am. Don't even attach 'I am free,' nothing. Don't believe anything about yourself. All of this will flow naturally as it is doing for you. In fact, I'm very happy that I saw your message where you said that to be in satsang here in Bangalore soon. I'm very happy, waiting for you to come actually. So, so it's flowing so beautifully, you see, even outwardly. So don't, don't attach any conditions, don't believe any concepts about yourself. And this I Am-ness itself is coming to the recognition of its source and coming to the true discovery of what it is to know. There is really no use and you will, you are losing all interest in all ideas about Poorbi anyway because it is fun to play with for a while. You just like when we were children, you know, maybe for girls it's, it's fun to play with dolls or something, it's giving a doll some dresses and personality and seeming attributes. But after a while that game is done. If someone comes to you and say, 'Let's play with this doll,' you'll say, 'No, I have beyond that now.' Just in the same way now the play of Poorbi, the play with the Poorbi identity is dissolving and your interest in that is going. As interest in that is going, it can seem like to the world that you are disinterested in life, which is not the case. And the great joy that you're finding in life more and more every moment is so fresh and beautiful and it will, it will start to reflect even on your face, you see, in inner expressions. So there is no rush to, to get there.

So Father, like, honestly I don't feel that joyness. I mean, I would be honest in that. Ah, but I give you so... well, one thing I would like to share is like Father, like as I wrote in the altar, like when I came across like Maharaj's quotation, like one of those, like he, he wrote it like, 'I left my mind and my body to, to their destiny and I just stay.' So I started, I thought like I should not be paying attention to my crazy thoughts and all that which is causing me suffering, because initially that was because the suffering was the one that got me to this line. So that was my first intention, like I should not be paying attention to the thoughts. And then I started like ignoring those thoughts and then later on some...

It was like Maharaj's quotation, like one of those he wrote, like 'I left my mind and my body to their destiny and I just stay.' So I started, I thought like I should not be paying attention to my crazy thoughts and all that, which is causing me suffering, because initially that was because the suffering was the one that got me to this line. So that was my first intention, like I should not be paying attention to the thoughts. And then I started like ignoring those thoughts, and then later on some other thoughts came. So I spent months together just ignoring, ignoring, ignoring. It was just like trying to kill the mosquitoes; I mean, it was continuing forever because I could not grasp what he was mentioning or he was pointing to. But then I found it like, let it happen, whatever it is happening. Let me hold to this, let this mind hold to this constant factor, the sense of existence. Let everything... I don't care. I mean, I don't care what it is happening. I don't have any control over it actually, because that's what I found. If I try to work on some thought, some other will come. It didn't work actually, like whatever the tool, whatever those yogas, whatever I did, it didn't work actually. Just try to have like a temporary bandage for them; maybe ten days I will be happy, then again the next day again those habits will come up. So it was like preparing myself for the war every time. So I thought like I would be rather the weapon without weapon, just holding to what it is, constantly be safe there. So is that, Father, like what Maharaj said, or am I interpreting my mind? I just wanted to listen from you, Father, what I could not... Father, you are mute now.

You can hear? Yes. There's a little thing. So when Maharaj said that 'I just remain as I am and I leave my worldly existence to unfold as it is unfolding,' he is speaking from the perspective of awareness or of beingness. Now usually what happens is there's a sense that 'I am a person who is now hanging on to this presence for dear life.' As life is unfolding in itself, I am hanging on to the presence, you see? So as you are now hanging on to the presence, you will find that the one that is hanging on to the presence was never really there. It was just being, which is being. This is a dissolution of the identity for you. In your case, it is happening in this way where it seemed like you at one point decided that what you're going to do is hang on to the presence and ignore everything else which is going on. Then it seems like that is the distinction, the seeming distinction between presence and you, is dissolving and only presence remains. Then even the sense of trying to hold on to it tight as a lifeboat, this goes. Because you see that there is no you there who was drowning, and just presence is here. And all of these appearances are just movements of the waves in the ocean of presence. Then you see there is nothing to hold on to in the ocean. It is the waves which are rising and falling within you as presence. So then there can be the sense that it started with the sense 'I am holding on to the presence.' 'I am' goes to 'I am that I am' and then ultimately to 'I know that I am.' So that which knows 'I am' sees that 'I am' just remains that 'I am' and the worldly existence is unfolding just on its own. There is nothing to be done about it. There is no individual doer there of. So in this very natural way, your sense of individual identity—'I am something,' 'I am this something-ness'—is dissolving.

Thank you, Father.