Who is Aware of Your Existence? - 9th October 2016

Well, in me there's... and I didn't notice it, but yeah, I didn't notice, but like there's a presumption that because I'm just noticing it now again, because I'm looking for a being here, I've got to find the being. And so I look from that kind of perspective and then... nice, it's kind of like a constructive being to say, 'Oh yeah, there is one.' But there is also... I look for it, so all this mental stuff...

Let's keep it aside for just a minute and don't interpret the question in any way. Don't add a word to it, don't add any syllable to it. Can you stop being now, to you?

I can't. I can't stop it.

Yes. So this 'it' which you can't stop, what is that?

Oh, experiences are being registered. Yeah, and that thing, yeah, that is registering them, yeah, can't stop registering them.

Very good. Okay, so it seems to be the witness of all phenomenal things. Okay, and it's registering all of this now. Who is aware even of it?

Oh, it's... itself is aware of itself registering things is what appears to be.

Are you imagining this? Are you visualizing this? And even if you are, it's okay. Who is aware of the visual?

That's getting really difficult.

How did you come to know it is getting difficult? How did you get to know this?

That is, on one level, I'm feeling lost in trying to find this one.

Okay, first, if I find this one that is feeling lost, let's start with finding that one. Where is that one? Because you say quite conclusively that 'I'm feeling lost.' So which 'I' is this one that is feeling lost? Just relax a little more into it. It looks like you're working really hard. Just gently. Are there two of you? The one that is getting lost and the one that is looking at the one getting lost?

Um, there are, because the one that is getting lost is the mind trying to respond to the question.

Yes, yes. So it's very good if it's getting completely confused. We can leave it aside. We don't have to be eloquent or coherent even. In fact, ineloquence and incoherence is very welcome. So let the mind say whatever it wants to, let it resist. The question is: who is aware even of this mind? Who is aware of your existence?

Like it doesn't really feel like a 'who.' Okay, good. It just feels like awareness, awareness, awareness.

And where are you? And don't again go with the right answer, just go with your looking.

It doesn't feel like the 'I' that I'm used to experiencing.

Okay, perfect.

It's like obviously there's a more fundamental 'I' that I'm not very used to... you know, that Samara is not used to experiencing.

Let's see if I can help you even with that. So you say that there is just awareness even of existence. And who knows this? Do you know this or no?

It just feels more truthful to say awareness now says yes.

Yes. How is awareness telling you this? So awareness knows it. What does that have to do with you as well?

Because it's being perceived like that. That awareness, you know, it has to be... it doesn't feel like, you know, all the nonsense that is me. So it's a very different feeling.

Yeah, so don't bother with your feelings, because 'I am' is also neither feeling nor thought. Just with what we are directly seeing. You say there seems to be an awareness here which is aware even of the sense of existence. Okay. Now this awareness, how is this known? How are you able to say these words? Is it hearsay from awareness? So awareness told you 'this is what I'm doing,' or is it more direct than that?

Well, I wouldn't be able to experience awareness... see, I couldn't experience awareness unless it's actually me.

Yeah. Every time he says that, what is the problem if you were awareness?

It's not really... it's not a problem. It's just that I have conditioned nonsense around what it should feel like and what freedom should feel like, and it doesn't feel like that. It's fairly basic.

Yes, good. Even through all of the conditioning, is your discovery that now you are becoming awareness and you were earlier that, or is your discovery that you've always been that?

Is that what I've always been? Um, but it's still unfamiliar because I don't spend much time there.

But it's kind of... we didn't spend much time there, or we stepped out of there? No, no, it's easy. So you're trying to take the identity along for this ride and that can start to become very confusing, you see. So first you have to see: what have you been always in reality? And if you have always been this in reality, does the pretend 'me' have to spend time here or there, or is this your fundamental reality which cannot change? Can you step out of awareness even when you are playing as a person? Have you stepped out of awareness?

No, no. I can't really. But you can play a very convincing game.

Yeah, it makes it fun at one level. Yes, so that you don't know... but even in the playing of the game, nothing fundamentally changes. You still are. Yes. Now, what can the mind say about the reality of who you are?

Well, it can take... at its best, it can take all that and wrap it up in a concept and say, 'Here you go.' But it's not an experience, it's just nonsense.

Yes. So is then you're saying that there is nothing that the mind can say which is about the reality of who I am?

Well, it's not nothing. Like, it can give some information.

It's diverting you from the experience. And wouldn't that imply that everything else that the mind says—except some pointers which could be ultimately helpful, at least besides these—everything else is not about you fundamentally? It is about the make-believe you.

Yeah, yes. Oh sure, yes.

Now, knowing this to be true, would it be wise to drop whatever the mind is saying or to continue to believe what the mind is saying? Because... so can we start with this one which says, 'But there is a strong conditioning'?

Then conditioning is stronger than you look? You know, sometimes I think so because reality wanted to play a very convincing game. So I've had to create, you know, fantastic conditioning to keep it going for a long time here. And it's got a lot of strength to do a lot if it wants.

Yeah. What is the game you want to play right now?

I'm trying to... you see, it's quite confusing because, you know, I don't get to play any game. It's designated one. Okay. And I think I'm trying to get out a little bit. It is the ego trying to rest in the reality or spend more time in the reality. It's like, you know, it is a spiritual exit journey.

Can you explain any way for this non-existent one to rest in reality? You know, I mean, that's doomed to failure. If it doesn't exist, obviously it cannot rest in anything. All right, then how do we buy into these ideas?

I'm just fooling myself. So, you know, it's a habit and I'm trying to drop it. It was quite a challenge because there's a lot to it.

Yeah. Well, okay. Let's... what does it mean when we say 'I am trying to drop the mind'? What do we have to do to drop the mind? If we just, you know, sense what is true now, yes, that will help drop the mind. But then of course the mind goes 'blah blah blah' and it says, 'You're not doing it right.' So the term itself, 'dropping,' maybe we should replace with something else. Because to drop something would mean to first pick it up. We cannot drop that which has not been picked up. So my provocation, my suggestion to you is that just refuse to pick it up instead. Right now it is dropped. This movement is doing it for you. The mind is dropped now. Don't pick it up. What does it mean 'don't pick it up'? This means allow it to just come and go.