The 'I' That Needs Something Is Not You - 3 June 2015

So what if there's an extended period of it?

It's good if there's an extended period of feeling anger, feeling hurt; it means there must be so much which is pent up, isn't it? So that's why I say that instead of saying that it is coming, you say it is going. Because no matter what the period is, nothing can come and stay. Resisting it actually makes it stay longer. Memory is just another part of the appearance which is here to make you feel like all this is real. Just like we were discussing yesterday, even though a dream character has memory—he knows my name is this, this is where I was born—so all this memory is there even for other realms other than this one. Yes. So if you say that thought is all of this energy constructs, which is thought, emotion, imagination, memory, it's all the same thing, same stuff. This external all arises in the presence of your Being.

You make it sound so simple.

She says you make it sound so simple because that's the way I see it. More simple just to see appearance. It could be anything, but it is... of course, it is everything appearing phenomenally is an appearance. And memory is the most unreliable experience, I can tell you this. Two people will never agree on what happened although they were there at the same time. That's why so much argument, so much discussion can happen, because one will have their version, another will have their own. Even at the end of satsang, okay, you ask each other, 'So what did he say?' You will say something else, you'll say something else. This is memory. All which is appearing in front of you is appearance. What you are is awareness. It's very simple like this. What you are is awareness. It's appearing in front of awareness, this appearance. No appearance can touch awareness. No appearance can touch awareness, no matter what it is.

It struck me when you said it's all made of the same stuff. Because I know when I... like if I imagined something that it never happened, it was just imagination. Yes. So it's same as the past. It's just... it's all imagination.

It's all the same stuff. The stuff of consciousness. The birth of energy, the birth of consciousness comes with the birth of all of this energy. It could be energy constructs called thoughts, energy constructs called external objects, all which is appearing, memory, imagination. What do you mean? All you're saying is appearing in awareness. Where is the drama? It's so much if I were to become part of the drama. Easy. Then we'd all be in trouble if I were to start presuming that something actually happened to you. Does anyone know who is speaking now? It's Palak. The audio is okay for all of you? Because yesterday there was some talk about the audio when I look away too much. Maybe that's when the audio goes. Why are you going there? Hold on to it.

I don't know if I just feel like... like there's so much inside and it needs to... and I need to get out.

Yeah. So suppose we were not even to presume this, that 'I' needed to get out. Because the 'I' that needs something is not you. Because you will not show me this 'I' when I ask where it is.

I don't know. So this feeling is there. It's a good tiredness. Something is that... it seems like a sort of a vibration. Like I don't even... I found those... I'll make some money.

You're laughing. It's okay. It's okay. Yes, yes. Don't worry. You're not interrupting anything.

Sorry, what?

This is what we're here for.

Sorry, oh, it's not wasting time.

Very good. It's really cool. Yes, yes. This is... I know it might not feel like... he said everything you say, please. Now you're laughing, I'm crying and you're laughing. Embarrassing.

Why do you feel this is not satsang? This is... there's nothing to know. Yes, it's all the knowing, knowing, knowing which is the cause of all this trouble. 'I know what this feeling is. I know my life. This is my past.' All this knowing can go. This not-knowing thing is a very good thing. Suppose you didn't know anything? Because you didn't know anything, and yet you will never come and say that my life does not continue. By not knowing doesn't mean that life comes to a standstill. Life still goes on. The one who runs this entire universe runs this life. It always has this false presumed idea that 'I have done this, I should do this, I should not have done this.' Suppose we didn't know anything? And the mind will serve up all kinds of knowledge. See? But yeah, but what about this? Just stay with the not-knowing.

Then you don't even know what feeling it is. Something is coming, strong energy is there, you're just watching in wonder. And we go to an amusement park and we get on the ride and voluntarily... what if it doesn't come back up? There's all this feeling, strong feeling. What happens at the end of the roller coaster? You see, that was fun. It was fun. And some will even say, 'Let's go again.' So same feeling, then the perspective is that it's all right, it's all the game. Then no trouble. When we give it too much seriousness, that 'this is really happening to me, something... it's about my life,' then we make it more serious. We give it more seriousness than it deserves.

Some of us like seeing sad movies, tragic movies. You know, Romeo and Juliet is the most, most loved love story. Feels sad at the end of it, both of them... okay, spoilers for though if anyone's been living under a rock and doesn't know, both Romeo and Juliet die at the end. So, so why we want to feel the sadness? Why we love this story? If sadness was never supposed to come, then why do these books become popular? Because consciousness is here to experience all the broad spectrum of taste. It doesn't want only sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet. It didn't say only salt, sour. It wants full variety. It's here to experience all of this. So let it experience everything. Yes.

Even I can't hear you, so there's no chance online. You did a course, is it?

Could be. I've never experienced it myself, just... but I've heard lots of things about this dynamic meditation. I feel all practices, everything is good if grace is leading you there. It's all good. Just don't pick up the identity of the practitioner. So here there's not so much feeling that I have to prescribe some medicine like this. Very directly, very clearly you can see the truth about yourself, then all this will get released on its own anyway. So I don't want to say step one, freedom from... ultimately come to this self-discovery. And even then they say first self-realization, then God-realization, various, various steps to everything.

So here very directly, if God is real, if you are real, then you must be here now. Why step one, two, three, four, five? And no one who is openly, clearly looked has not found themselves, because you are here now. You see, the mind will not come to that conclusion. If you're waiting for the mind's conclusion, then you can wait forever. But if you can clearly just see now that there is awareness, and everything that is appearing is just an appearance for this awareness, and as part of the appearance is also these appearances of thought energy, which is the only one convincing me that I am a separate individual. Nothing in the world is saying that, you see? There's only these thoughts. So all I say is just don't give your belief to these thoughts and see for yourself what you are.

The energy is so powerful.

But no appearance is powerful compared to... so no matter what the appearance is, you cannot truly say that the seeing was lost. At best you can say, 'My attention was with the appearance.' Yes, yes. But whose attention? Reporting to... the one that attention is reporting to is you. That you is not lost. The real you is never the answer. So we must like this, check and see: what do I still feel? What is the appearance that I am resisting? What is the appearance that I am saying I don't want? And in doing this audit like this, what is it that I am still resisting? It will show us our attachments. Show us our attachments. Look at your deepest fears and they will point you to your biggest attachments.

And whatever attachment you have, ask yourself how long the appearance of this will last. Whatever attachment you have, ask yourself how long the appearance of this attachment will last. How long will it last? Fifty years? You are attached to your house. How long are you going to live in that house? Fifty years, sixty years? After that, what? Thirty, forty, fifty years already gone. Same way the rest will also go. And then what? So just to see, there is just... in the seeing it is enough. And somebody asked yesterday also, what is the thought for you which might still get some belief? And I said, okay, something happening to the children is still something that might get belief. But you are openly able to see, okay, yes, this is still an attachment. If you are able to see it as an attachment, then already it is enough to see it at a distance like this. This is the freedom from the attachment. Yes, yes. You must not try and pick up a practice for it. Slowly leave it existing. Yes. And some amount of it is very, very primal, you see? Even in animals it's very... a small animal will fight with an elephant.

And I said, okay, something happening to the children is still something that might get delicious, but you are openly able to see, okay, yes, this is still an attachment. If you are able to see it as an attachment, then already it is enough to see it at a distance like this. This is the freedom from the attachment. Yes, yes, you must not try and pick up a practice for it. Slowly leave it existing. Yes, and some amount of it is very, very primal. Even in animals, it's very... a small animal will fight with an elephant or a lion for their children. So some of it is very primal. You must not try to fight it; just know that this attachment is there. Seeing it, seeing it is enough. It's very easy to see. Just follow your biggest fears and they will show you your biggest attachments.

Something happened. Says, 'My daughter is at home with a bellyache. How can I support her? I am with myself and hold her in my heart. I am an object, I am with an object.' Then seems that mind is busy with the issue and wants to make something out of it.

It's very good that you can spot it, that the mind is trying to make a person out of you. And if you spot it, it is good; then it is not succeeding. Let whatever has to happen naturally flow in that way. Naturally, there is a prayer arising in your heart; no problem with that. Just know that the one who is feeling 'What should I do, not do' is not you. It is not even real.

'Such a beautiful meeting,' said joy for us both. She asked me to give all her love to you this morning.

Thank you so much, my dear. We both found how beautiful it was to meet and that it was no different from meeting online. We felt you here with us. Yes, actually no difference. So many of you I met first time in Rishikesh, and some things get noticed because you meet for the first time, but actually no difference. The meeting in the heart is something like... you never know when you meet online how tall one is. So I remember I met Paroti the first time and she's tall. So things like height, something like this, you only notice when you meet here. But otherwise, the meeting has already happened already. I didn't feel like I was meeting anyone. It didn't feel like that.

Yes, says, 'I gave her a photo of you and we both hugged it. We treasure you.'

Thank you so much.

And Fria says, 'There is such a freedom in not wanting anything. The only desire here is to be at my master's feet.'

This is very cool. The one without want. Either desire or aversion, both are the same actually; it's still a want. It's very beautiful to come in the presence of that.

Says she is showing your photo to everyone. Andre says, 'Was there ever no knowing me? Was there ever no knowing me and you?'

In reality, the truth is never forgotten. The awareness is never confused about what it is. It's only consciousness pretending to play this game. It's so yes, and you are seeing it. So the content of this appearance is that it's shaking; there is the seeing also tumbling. So then it is not true that you are not feeling good. It is that the feeling... I am not a policeman, just saying that just to see that there is a distance. So in the appearance, this body seems to have some troubling; some emotional energy is vibrating. Freedom is just a simple seeing that I am untouched. Only the mind says that this is happening to you. How do I fix it? What's the emotional attachment? Sometimes I see you crying, then some teary-eyed stuff happens here also, although I'm still laughing. Emotion is okay. Emotion has no trouble. It's a presumption that 'I am suffering from this emotion.' Then we picked up the presumed... there's something there which will continue to say, 'This is happening to me.' This means it took so much trouble to create all this, see? So it wants it to be that we must first agree with its proposition. It wants first agreement on the proposition that first agree that something is happening to me, then speak further from there. And most of the world will do that. We go to people and say, 'This is happening to me.' Most will say, 'Oh, poor thing, this will happen to you, you know, let's see how we can fix it.' Nobody questioned the basic presumption: Is it really happening to you? So well-meaning though it might be, the fact is it can many times perpetuate the sense that something is happening to me. That's what I was telling you a few days ago. She was saying that this feeling, 'This is happening, this is happening,' and I spoke to a friend and the friend was saying, 'Okay, it will get better.' So I said that maybe this talk had counter purposes to what I am saying because we are still comforting something which is getting crushed. And now I feel that after that, there's a feeling that this is going. The sense of trying to protect this one is now a lot, a lot less than protecting that one. Now you are starting to discover the invincible one which is not concerned about any of these. Like this, you become stronger, see? So whatever then, okay, happening to the body, happening emotionally, happening to thoughts, all this you just say: appearance, appearance, appearance. Still like yes, yes, because so far this pretend 'me' has been taking all the energy. All the energy has gone to 'me.' How does this 'me' feel better? How does this 'me' run their life? How does this 'me' have relationships? How does this 'me' have money? All the energy has been going to this pretend idea. And when you cannot find the 'me' anymore—actually if you looked, you would never be able to find it; it was just a presumption—now we see I cannot find it, so I am not going to presume myself to be this 'me.' And with this comes all this freedom. So much energy was going in, you know, planning, coordinating the life of this 'me' that never really existed.

Can I talk to you a little bit about that? Yes, my dear, you can. Because I was listening to Adyashanti and you were saying that, um, yeah, of course you're not that, but you ultimately you are not that, but you are also that. So, you know, this constant denial of 'you're not that, you're not that' doesn't help you in your relative life. So, you know, it's like saying it doesn't exist, it doesn't exist, it doesn't exist. It's not going to help you sort out your psychological issues if you need to, like taking the car to the mechanic, you know, taking your medicine if you need to, getting a job and working if you need to. So it feels like like that. It just feels full short to say, 'Oh, you're not this, you're not this, you're not this, you're not this.' You know, it's almost like 'don't look, don't look, don't look.'

Yes, there are two things that Adya says about this which is very good. One is that in this one, it becomes like this sense of becoming a spiritual jerk and you're constantly just, you know, like when your wife comes and says, 'This is happening to me,' you're saying, 'Who is the me to which it is happening to?' You see? And this will become like a jerk basically. What Adya says very nicely, and I love quoting him like this, he says that all that your mouth is saying is true, but you're still a jerk. So this is very beautiful because it is still coming from this place of specialness, you see? Someone is speaking at a different level relatively, something which is happening in life. And I've done this in the past, so that's why I can relate so well to this. My wife would come and say, 'So this morning, you know, this happened with the kids,' and that's cool, this happened. I'm saying, 'Who is speaking?' She would have felt like hitting me so hard, I'm sure. So this is the one aspect which he talks about, which is the being the spiritual jerk, you know. So this can be though I've understood something and now I must now only see this is who is this. Second is exactly the example that we quote often and Paroti is mentioning just now is this thing: 'Oh, I am spiritual now, I am awake, so I don't need to go to the doctor. My car is breaking down, I don't need to take it to the mechanic.' So when we speak like this, then it is again this sense of the misunderstanding, again the sense of the level confusion. So when the car is breaking down, when the body is not there, if you find that there's this feeling to go to the hospital, go to the mechanic, it's completely fine. You must not try to say just spiritual concepts and say that... see, in India also this is very popular that, 'Oh, because I'm spiritual, then my body should not fall sick, I shouldn't need no sleep,' you know.

And I also, you know, I also really believe it's a lot of the physical stuff is the same as the emotional stuff. So if you have a constant anxiety or you have a depression or you have like a psychological thing that keeps coming back to you, surely you take care of that as much as you take care of physical things, you know? And to constantly say, 'Oh, you know, it's not real, it's not real, it doesn't exist, I'm not that, I'm not that,' it's actually... I don't know if that's gonna help. I'm not convinced. I keep seeing, I keep seeing repeating patterns in friends and in, you know, that you just you just need to go and take care of that as well, you know, and know at the same time that you are not that.

Yes, so as long as there is a knowing that I'm not that, you see. So it's not just we have taken one concept and the person replaced it with another concept: 'I am God.' This long is... and many get stuck in this point where it becomes just we've replaced this concept of personhood with another concept of Self or God or even nothing. Even this 'I am nothing' has become like a concept which then becomes something which we are parroting, but it's not what is seen. So as long as it's clear about what is seen, then no concept is actually required. So why do we say so often like this in satsang? Because this is what we are here to discover right now. But within the rest of life, I am not going around just saying to everyone I meet at work, 'But you're not this.' We have to get this website up today, but 'I'm not this.' It's not like that. Life continues; the flow of life continues. So I've stopped being a spiritual jerk, hopefully, in the rest of my life.

I am speaking from a personal example. I was nervous to ask my family, specifically my husband but my daughter as well, if I could go to the retreat because I had just been in February, March, you know, it's not so long. And they are used to me going every year, but once a year, and now it's only a few months and I feel like I want to go to Monte Sahaja, right? So we don't have the money and I don't have the time and I'm... and still I want to go. So I have this fight in my head the whole time. 'Oh, you know, if I was on my own then I'd go,' and you know, like 'I'm trapped in life,' you know, like the mind starts like, you know. And I could sort of ignore it, but it's like it's like physical reality, it's happening. So I don't just go, 'Oh, you know, who is that for, you know, who's feeling that?' And that doesn't work, you know, deal with it. So like go to the husband and say, 'Please can I go?' Have the fight, conflict avoidance.

We cannot use spiritual concepts just as tools. Sometimes we use them as swords to fight our fights. At best, spirituality, all these concepts, can be used as umbrellas when it's raining too hard and you want to use an umbrella. That's what it is. Asking me if they said yes?

No, it's ongoing fight. I'm going... it's been, I don't know, four days of constant negotiation.

That one, he's laughing at something like that what he says. And David says, 'Rupert says that concepts are useful for conventional purposes. It's when you believe that you refer to something that is actually true that suffering starts.' So she already said that ultimately it is clear what I am, but we must not force it in day-to-day interactions and, you know, whatever is flowing is just... it's when you believe that concepts refer to some existing independent reality that suffering comes. Very well put. When concepts refer to some existing independent reality, that suffering... exactly. Because what happens is that when we come from this place that this is real, then there is concern about the outcome also. So whole of the, or large part of the Bhagavad Gita is about Karma Yoga, and Karma Yoga is nothing but...

Must not force it in day-to-day interactions and, you know, whatever is flowing is just... it's when you believe that concepts refer to some existing independent reality that suffering comes. Very well put. When concepts refer to some existing independent reality, that suffering—exactly. Because what happens is that when we come from this place that this is real, then there is concern about the outcome also. So, whole of the, or large part of the Bhagavad Gita is about Karma Yoga. And Karma Yoga is nothing but no fear about the outcome. Actions are moving, but no fear about the outcome. And that fear of outcome can only come when we are really presuming that this one that I am referring to as 'I' is a separate existence, a separate entity.

So, in the heart to know the truth and yet in day-to-day life to function normally, then it's completely fine. David says, 'Let Father talk to them. I have enough trouble with families already. Why have you made my daughter? I had given her such a beautiful name. Who do you think you are?' I got scared one day when Jayha said, 'My family is threatening to come and take me back from India.' And I said, 'Okay, fine. Family says my brother.' I said, 'Brothers, okay. How many brothers?' He says...

Says I didn't go into this fight yet. Good that you did. Yes, many are waiting for your outcome now to see. Good to see you here. I'm so happy that Parvati brought this up because I had also watched something with audio maybe yesterday, and maybe we were watching the same thing. But I just, when you were talking about it with her, I could feel that it was kind of skimming over me or something. And that's always suspicious to me, that maybe something's not wanting to hear. So, my sense is that something so enjoys the sort of elevated experiences and then when experiences like, you know, what might be considered typical human experiences like feeling sad or worried, when those come, there's some assumption that's instantly made that means that I've lost it or that I'm not being myself or something. And then there's this sort of like, 'Okay, wait a second, that's not true. This is all this one.' So, I don't know if what happens is just the fascination with these elevated experiences or if there's really something still in the game of avoiding. And I just, however you can guide me and show me, I feel very open to hear and I'll mute so I can hear you well. Thank you.

So what we said is, and what Bharati said when she started, is that in our heart it is completely clear that this is the truth. And that clarity is an unshakable one, isn't it? So this is clear that I am this Atma, this awareness. Now, in satsang why do we say it? Because sometimes you need the reminder, because there might be some feeling that this clarity is not stabilized. So we need this reminder. But if we are operating from this clarity, then we must not use this as some sort of an advantage in our day-to-day practical living because very quickly it is the ego itself which uses Advaitic concepts as an ego defense, you see, or as a cheat code for the rest of our life. It's like it will say, 'Okay, this game of life I figured out because now I have the cheat code that I am awareness.' And it doesn't work like that. Enter 'I am awareness' and the game all becomes, you know, only the expectations of the mind then get served up. That's what the ego itself is seeing.

So with this unshakable clarity about what we are, we see that in day-to-day life everything is moving in resonance at that level. So somebody comes to you and talks to you about work, building a website, then you're talking to them about building a website. Somebody comes to Sumaira with the case, he's going to talk to them about the case. He's not going to say, 'Oh, first let's come to the conclusion about who is really suffering from this legal matter,' you see? It's not like that. So that becomes—that is what is the reverse kind of level confusion, you see. You see your reality to be this, and ultimately what can we really say about reality? What can we really say? Even the word awareness does not do it justice, you see. There is no word which can really convey what we are, you see.

So what happens is that in the rest of our life we are just letting this consciousness play out the way it is playing out and not confusing levels over there. In satsang we come and say, 'Okay, satsang is reminder.' Okay, satsang is a reminder about what I am here. Yes, I am this awareness, I am. So there must be no aversion to even hearing this 'I am this awareness' because that is what satsang is for. Because here we are here to remind you about what is real. And if this is clear, then day-to-day life just can continue in its own way. So we are not going around in Advaita policing or being spiritual jerks or trying to fix your car by repeating 'I am awareness, I am awareness.' Doesn't work. It needs to be taken to the mechanic.

But many get stuck in this kind of thing that they feel, 'Okay, but now I'm liberated and I heard in the books that the liberated one never had any problems.' And they may say, 'Oh, my car broke down. Does this mean I'm not awareness now?' This kind of ludicrous stuff. So that is what we are speaking about. That in our heart it can be completely clear what I am, but when your car is broken down you don't go to your family and say, 'But I'm awake, I can't take it to the mechanic. How can it even break down? You must be lying. It's my car and I'm awake, it's not allowed to break down.' This kind of—I'm exaggerating just to make the point. Usually it shows up in much more subtle ways than this, but unless I exaggerate it doesn't register.

Oh, I wanted to share something that I think some place that maybe there was not clarity and just in the last few days it's opened up. So I would just be doing whatever duties and, let's say, making breakfast or something and, you know, attention was just free doing whatever it was doing. And then suddenly a thought would come like, 'I haven't been, you know, conscious. I haven't been like putting attention on awareness.' And then there would be like this, you know, who knows, minutes or hours or days of obsessing about how I lost it or something. And just the other day I realized that game had been being played and if for maybe a very long time, you know, for maybe like years that game had been being played. And I realized when you were just sharing this with me that I think that that's just another, I don't know, like just another way that the mind has been playing something that would suggest—I don't even know what I'm saying now.

I understand what you're saying. So along the way somewhere the mind also took on this instruction and said, 'You must abide as the Self. Abide. Keep your attention with the presence.' All this was heard, and at that point of time maybe it was grace that it was heard like this because something got cleared up in that. But now we realize that even this instruction is not for me. Because what happens is that I have not at least met someone who has been able to constantly keep their attention with anything, be it awareness, be it presence. I have not met one, you see. So when attention goes somewhere else, then very quickly the mind brings up the guilt thing: 'See, you allowed your attention to move and that's why this is happening.'

So this is seen like this, that it became a mind trick. The mind was saying you must keep your attention only here or only there. In fact, I don't find that freedom. If this was forcibly trying to keep attention somewhere, I would not label that freedom actually. That's why we say leave attention also completely free. Where can it go? It's not going anywhere at all. Always inside you. All appearances are inside you. So no fear about where attention is also going and therefore no guilt about it. So even this trick is dropped. So just like how the car can break down, yeah, so it's okay if some memory triggers some emotion.

Yes, I just don't resist it.

Yes, exactly. Well, then the mind is saying, 'But don't believe your next thought.' So watch it but don't believe it and don't resist. Just don't resist because this mind is nothing but a resistance anyway. So it's okay if that happens. Yes, the thought is coming. I said no, that even if belief is going and you're identified as a person for a million lifetimes, nothing is really changing about you. So everything is okay. Let's start with that presumption that everything is first okay. Then there is openness to check. It seems like it is a bit confusing as to what I am, then we can look and say, 'Okay, let's find out what you are.' Because this is what it will come from—that the confusion comes between the sense that I am this one who is suffering from these things or am I just witnessing. But whatever is coming, we must allow it to come. In any case, we cannot stop it. When we try to resist it, it only amplifies or gets pushed down with greater strength for later.

Jerome says, 'So nothing changed except the end of identification with the event of my life.' Yes. Nothing externally needs to change. And Omkar says, 'No other can stay as awareness.' Yes, this is still separation. 'Your grace made this clear, Father. No other can stay as awareness.' David says, 'Yes, this is why Mooji says the Christ could not do it, the Buddha could not do it.' We try to force our attention to particular things, then we say, 'Have to go, beloved space becoming available already.' Okay. Jerome says, 'David could not do it. Only in the books I've read about people who could do it.' Some yogis just kept their attention—those too very rare, you see.

The one thing would be to see that, okay, if I had this some siddhi and I would be in a cave and I was able to hold my attention with something, maybe it is the presence, for 20 years. And then you come out of that cave and you come—so sometimes I joke and I say you want to take auto rickshaw home after the cave from 20 years and the auto guy says 50 rupees more than the meter. The attention still stays with the presence? That's a chat on YouTube. Peter says, 'There is such a freedom in not wanting anything.' The only desire then... Priya said, 'Joy comes and goes, disturbance comes and goes. No wanting, no aversion. All can come and go. It's all totally okay.' Very simple like this. Everything is allowed to come and go.

I can't get to the conviction that my life is fine the way it is. Each day I feel the pressure, so I should do something in order to change the situation. There is not enough trust that everything is going by itself.

Yes. So you say, 'Yes, I hear this that everything is okay, but I don't feel there's enough trust in it and I don't feel that I'm not the doer, that everything is happening on its own. I don't feel this.' So don't force yourself to feel anything. Don't force any conviction. But what you can do is check. And when you check, you will find that I cannot find the doer. I cannot find the one who typed these words. I cannot find the one who's moving actions happening through the body. Then this conviction that I am the doer of my actions will start to dissolve, see? So there is no conviction required for the truths. There is no conviction required for this—that consciousness is the one doer—doesn't need conviction as long as we see that there is no individual entity here to be the doer. It is enough.

Don't try to be convinced about the truth. Just shine your light on concepts which are about the person. Just shine your light on those and see if you can come to a conclusion or come to a discovery about whether there is a person here or not. You find that there is no person here, then you don't need to be convinced that everything is happening on its own because there is no person here, then everything must be happening. Keep finding your light on the whole mind and then all these insights will come on their own. Andre said, 'No, it didn't help me to repeat.' Yes, it doesn't help to keep saying 'I'm awareness, I'm okay.' Sometimes a little bit like a reminder it comes like that, it's okay. But if you're just using it as a...

Whether there is a person here or not, if you find that there is no person here, then you don't need to be convinced that everything is happening on its own. Because if there is no person here, then everything must be happening. Keep finding your light on the whole mind, and then all these insights will come on their own. Andre said, 'No, it didn't help me to repeat.' Yes, it doesn't help to keep saying 'I'm awareness, I'm okay.' Sometimes a little bit like a reminder it comes like that, it's okay. But if you're just using it as a technique, as a cheat code of life, it is just coming from fear, you see. They're still fearful about the content of life, so we need some sword to be able to fight with life and say, 'I have the sword of awareness now and I'm going to fight life.' Thank you, Shakti, so nice to see you again today. Love you too.

Jerome says, 'Very good, Father. Fighting life with awareness.' Many can do like this. It gets stuck as a mental concept: 'I am awareness now, I will win in this life. I'll become a winner because I was not managing to succeed as anything else; now maybe as awareness I can succeed.' The ego itself uses awareness. I remember at that time I was like really into affirmations. At the very first, like, read about Maharshi and watched my first YouTube video, and I just remember walking around saying, repeating 'I, I am.' It is very mental, but very funny now. It's okay because sometimes it feels like initially it's done like this and then it seeps through. If it's really sticky, then it becomes a problem. Like I see many sadhus and swamis just from the mouth saying these things. It was from the heart, but it was very amazing. One kind of laughs at it now because I can see it. It's very focused, but that was just, I guess, I've done a lot of this stuff. Are you chanting 'Who am I?' like a mantra here?

Is there still no audio? No, the audio is fine. Google said, 'Welcoming every thought and emotion without the personhood is the same as the understanding that I am the untouched witness or awareness without repeating.' Yes, because every person, if you're believing yourself to be a person, will be scared of some appearance or the other. But if you're able to welcome without an emotion—if you are open—being welcoming means you're not necessarily inviting them, but at least we are open to everything which is appearing. And this fearlessness can come only from the true understanding of what you are.

Father, I just wanted to report in with you. There's really nothing to report. It's like this is nothing. There's the appearance of things, you know, like wanting to look back or look forward or analyze. But like you strictly said, it's just being here is just enough. Just to be here. I feel so blessed just to be here. There's nobody here to know anything. I can't even see. I don't know that there isn't even... no, I don't know. It's just not even that. Yes, it's like there's just nothing to be said. Even though the speaking is happening, there's nothing to be said. There's nothing I can say about anything.

This is not saying anything. It's the most beautiful, most beautiful communion. Not even a conversation. There's just nothing to be said. Whether there is the saying or not saying happening, there's nothing really being said. Thank you, Father. Thank you so much, my dear. Very happy.

Sena says, 'Father, sometimes my head hurts very bad recently, like it is being stabbed. What to do? I don't even know why I am saying this now, like it is being stabbed.' You can look at this, my dear. Maybe you send me a message and we look at this together. Andre says, 'I noticed some irritation that some stay all hang out while others also like to get in, although maybe nothing to say. Maybe in these parts we take better care of each other.' Actually, it's not possible at all to be in Satsang unless there is a deep longing for it. And when this deep longing comes, then life will make sure that you are in the presence of your beloved, whether it is in the hangout like this or some other way. And here I always feel that, practically speaking, I've never felt that we have not made space whenever somebody has asked. I don't feel someone has ever said, 'I want to come in' and everybody said, 'No, no, we are here.' So far, it is like this. I don't know how it should go, how it will go in the future, but so far we've always said, 'Come, we'll make some space.'

So Sena says, 'Does consciousness care about our outlook? If not, what I suggest, then who is interested in wearing nice clothes, putting on makeup, etc.?' As long as we are investing energy in our outlook, are we still identifying? Outlook in the sense of how you're appearing—all of this is just another expression of consciousness itself. It is the appearance of consciousness itself, and every expression is unique. In some expression, there's this feeling to be presentable on the outside; in some expression, there is no feeling like that. And either is okay.

Amba also says, 'I had a stabbing pain in my head every now and again for a couple of years. In the end, of course, when I allowed everything, it was nothing as everything.' Yes, I've also had strong experiences of these pains in the head, and we can look. And then Amba said, 'But it seemed to be holding some stories, so when I allowed it completely, all these stories came out.' Sometimes it's an energetic thing. Thank you so much. I love you too. Thank you, Akbar, you too. 'I was hospitalized with a headache at one point, couldn't move.' I see. That's one of the things that Robin used to say: 'No, you can't go because I get sick every time I go on retreat. No, you come back and you're broken, it gives major headaches.' It's his whole reason. That's very sweet of him also, yeah. I can see it from his perspective. If I was not into Satsang and my wife was going somewhere and she would always come back unwell, what are you doing then? What is the point? I can understand. Yes, Nikhil also says, 'Same here. Once a month the headache is so bad that I have to take a pill.' It feels like we must take some medication, it's fine.

Namaste, Father. Could you shed some light? Are all thoughts imagined, and the voice in the head also imagined?

The voice in the head is thoughts only. What else is there?

Namaste, Father. I got reminded, actually, you told me this. So I used to have a job, this was before 2008. I remember one day I was at my job, and this company called Cisco, which is into networking. So I was in my job and just in the evening sometimes we would get together, speak about these things. And I said, 'Everyone has this voice in their head.' And a friend of mine said, 'What? You have voices in your head? You better get your head examined.' So the voice is so much, it has pretended that it is me, that for most people it doesn't even seem like it is something. The thoughts are like a voice in our head. And many times when we say something like this, 'Oh, this voice in your head, why do you trust it?' they see, 'What voice in the head? What are you talking about?' Then you have to say, 'Thoughts. Thoughts.' Are you talking about the thoughts? But Father, it feels so real. Just like how I'm talking to you, the same voice is heard inside. Yeah, only the mouth is not moving, but inside it's like similar to what I'm telling you. I could be telling like that inside, you know, same.

And this is thought, or it's qualitatively different from thoughts?

It's different, yes.

How is it different?

It's like if there's some part, the voice tells, 'Oh, this is not a thought, but this is a good thought, it's a bad thought.' It's like a judging kind of thing, you know, that kind.

The voice is different from... isn't it? What you must do is when this comes, there are two different possibilities. One possibility is that the mind itself tries to become the guru in the head, you see, and says, 'Yes, this is right, this is wrong, this is another thought, you must drop it.' And this one sounds very authoritative, very demanding, you know, very, very like a horror story guru, actually. You know, the worst, the most... the one that you would imagine the worst type of master would be like that. Then the other possibility is that this voice is accompanied with love and peace, and every time you hear the words, you feel like you have been dipped in honey. So if it is accompanied by love and peace, this voice you can trust. This is the voice of your intuition, the Satguru, the Holy Spirit, whatever you want to call that. So just be a little vigilant to this. And if it is that again, the demanding, the needy, the desperate voice just pretending to know something, you can let that also go. You can trust the voice which is accompanied by love and peace, because ego and love cannot coexist. So if it is coming from ego, then it cannot have the presence of love.

But I've noticed this voice tells both ways, Father. It tells the good thing also. It's also like telling me, 'Don't do this' and 'Do this.' So I don't trust this voice, but I always sometimes question also that, okay, where does this voice come from? And then if there is no answer for that when I question, like inquire, 'Where does this voice come from?' you know, like outwardly talking is different, but from this voice, where does it come from? I'm really shocked, you know, yesterday when I was listening to the Satsang, somebody was talking about thoughts and all, and then you said thoughts are all imagined. So since yesterday that something caught me, so I've been like thinking, 'Okay, anything, whatever thoughts are coming, I thought it's all imagination, so why should I imagine?' Unmissable, you know. So that's why I immediately asked you. The voice also is there and these thoughts also are there, but how does that differentiate? And so I don't know, Father, can you please give more explanation for this?

I said it's not about the content of what the voice is saying, you see, because the ego can also be a great pretender and just repeat the words of Satsang or say something which sounds very nice or good. It is not about the content of what the voice is saying; it is the presence which it is accompanied with. So do you feel the presence of love and peace, or do you feel that there's a sense of fear, there's a sense of authority? So this we must be vigilant about.

No sense of peace and love so far, that's only fear and authority here and now. But authority differently.

Then you forget about it. It's another form of the same egoic energy. Either we can say it is phenomenal or we can say it doesn't exist; it's the same thing.

I'm aware of this voice definitely, that is for sure. But I thought this voice was the ego, actually.

Yes, and the ego doesn't exist, but you just said it's like thought. Further belief in thought leads to the sense that 'I am the separate one.' The sense that 'I am the separate one' is the ego. The method of perpetuation of the ego is thought. The sense that 'I am the separate one' is the ego; the method of this perpetuation of this separation is thoughts. Okay, should we take it very basic?

Yes, please. Thank you.

Whatever is appearing is part of the phenomenal realm, or you call it illusion or whatever you call it, it's okay. It's just an appearance. And this whatever is appearing includes thoughts, it includes intuition, it includes Satguru, heart, everything, you see. So ultimately for you as awareness, everything is an appearance. Now in our question, we have this question that is part of the appearance. I know that everything is an appearance. Now, in part of the appearance, there is a voice which perpetuates separation, and there is another voice which perpetuates the truth or oneness. How do I know which is which? Both are part of the appearance, but how do I know which is which? One is perpetuating ego, the other is encouraging the Self. So after contemplation on this question, it was clear that this voice of ego cannot be accompanied by love and peace, because ego and love cannot coexist. Love dissolves ego immediately, you see. And yet there is a deep...

In appearance, there is a voice which perpetuates separation, and there is another voice which perpetuates the truth or oneness. How do I know which is which? Both are part of the appearance, but how do I know which is which? One is perpetuating ego; the other is encouraging the Self. So, after contemplation on this question, it was clear that this voice of ego cannot be accompanied by love and peace, because ego and love cannot coexist. Love dissolves ego immediately, you see. And yet there is a deeper voice, the voice of the intuition, the voice of the Satguru, which when it speaks, it seems like the words have been dipped in love. And even when they appear from your mouth, it'll sound like you are being dipped in love, and the ones who hear them seem like they are enjoying this love, this presence, you see. So if it is accompanied by this love, this peace, this presence of your own heart, then it is the voice of intuition or the Satguru. All other voice, whatever it is pretending, is the voice of the ego. No matter how good it sounds, no matter what it is saying, it is still the same separate identity imagining one which is reaching separation.

Sometimes I get the thoughts which is going to happen, like, you know, whatever is happening. The other day also—so I'm just taking this example because I had to buy a toy for my little one, so I had to go to one shopping center. I got that thought first, but then I ignored it and then I went to some other place. I got that sample, I got that data, something new that this is going to happen or something. I just got that thought, but I ignored it. So these are all intuitive thoughts, isn't it? But it was just a thought form which I didn't really give attention to, even though that attention went there, but as in like, you have to go there or this will happen, something like that. So there was a strong sense of that seeing that thought, this is intuition thoughts, but it's something from deep inside which I have not realized so far. Or I can say, in 2013 December, I remember the date also, this suddenly—I don't know what happened that day, Father, I wanted to share with you for a long time. It was in the morning, suddenly I felt some movement in my heart chakra area, my chest area, and then suddenly I felt lots of love, which then I really hugged my little one and then I really covered her so much and gave that complete love. And then I had my shop then, so I went to the shop and then I was sitting there and suddenly I felt some kind of resistance, body and everything, something was resistant so badly. And then suddenly I felt peace and I felt some kind of energy flowing through me where I felt all the love for the beings, everyone, not only for my family or something, for everyone on the earth. And that experience made me change my entire perspective about being human and all those things, you know? Since that day things changed for me. I started going deeply into spirituality then. Exactly like three, four months later, I saw Mooji on YouTube in Rishikesh. Then in my trance also I've seen Ramana Maharshi. All these things happen gradually, but that experience, I felt like I should have it often like that. So I was clinging to that, but later I realized it cannot happen, and then today I'm here. So all these things, just, I don't know how it happened, but it happened. But that experience of that love, that was the only time I have felt it. After that, probably I got into the person thing and all these things caught up. I don't know. When you said 'deep,' I resonated with that part. Otherwise, I haven't felt so far that stuff, even though maybe momentary I have not noticed. But I don't know what I'm talking about, what I'm saying about spiritual experiences.

I want to tell you and all of you two things. First thing: enjoy when it comes. Spiritual, beautiful experiences are like prasad you get; enjoy when it comes. The second thing: forget about it. If you don't forget about it, it will only become part of the spiritual ego. Enjoy when it comes and forget about it naturally. If it's there, something will remain. Don't force any memory out or anything, don't try to repress something, but don't give it any importance because it will only add to some sense of specialness, like 'something happened with me, you know, all of this.' So don't resist it when it's coming, enjoy it. It is there for you to enjoy, just like prasad you enjoy the sweetness, and then you don't clamor for more. Don't say, 'This should always be like this; this is how an awakened one must be all the time.' All this is just then mind stuff. So don't give it any sort of importance like that. Just look at it as a gift from grace. Don't feel that you did something to bring it on, don't feel that you can bring it again, all of this, and you forget it. And also, if it is confusing right now between intuition and thought, you forget about both these things. You just stay in satsang, focus on your enquiry; all this will become clear.

So I'll continue about inquiring about the voice also. That has really struck me, Father. Now I'm like, it's the only struggle now. Oh my god, all these days with the voice. Morning I wake up, that's it, the voice takes on, 'buy, buy, buy,' thinking. So where is this coming from? So is it all imagination, or does it really exist, Father? There's no difference between me and a mental patient.

Whatever the voice might be, whatever the voice might be, are you the witness of it or not? So then one thing is clear: that it cannot be you. Now I have told you the way to discern between the voice of intuition and the voice of the mind. And if it is not accompanied by love, peace, and joy, then it is not worth trusting. Trust me on this, because I have met many who seem to be afflicted by many voices, and they start off very much sounding like a guru, but they come to me after one year of trusting this voice and everything is in shambles. And it takes a lot of energetic work to rid them of these voices.

Please take this voice away, Father. I don't want this also, please.

It's completely fine. Thank you so much. Well, this feels like a mind question, okay, which is this: who's this voice talking to you? It is again consciousness only speaking to consciousness. But it's like in the program you made one voice which is saying, like we joke and say, 'Mr. Bond, your next mission is to go and rescue this person from there.' And then you also created this fail-safe voice, the reminder alarm. It said, 'Okay, you played enough. Have you played enough? Then let's look at what I am. Let's look at what you are.' It's like Priya, before going to the LARP, she sent herself a message. I keep using this LARP example very often because I feel it's very good. So before going for the LARP, you send yourself a recorded message and say, 'If you ever get confused and if you ever, you know, feel that you're really the priestess, then just listen to this message and I'm going to remind you about what you are.' So this is the voice of the intuition. It's your own recorded message which is saying this is what you really are, because the pretense has gone on now. If you open to leaving the movie, if you're open to the end of the pretense, then this voice is your own recording.

Yeah, I'm just looking at something happening in the chat again. Just few weeks ago we were saying that no, no spamming, no spammers, nobody comes, and so shanti, shanti in the chat everywhere. Now every day we've been getting something. Now we can see it even after you delete it. Maybe it blocks the one who posted it, but it's visible. It's okay. Yeah, I was just asking them because Jaish noticed yesterday that when we remove it on my screen it removes it, but it's still available until people refresh or new people come in. It's already here in the browser, isn't it? So it won't delete from there unless it's refreshed. If I press remove, it deletes it out of my browser immediately; I don't see it. So I thought it did that for everybody, but apparently not. They have to refresh. So you're probably reading something I deleted a little while ago. Definitely I'm reading it. So if you're not liking what you're seeing, just refresh the YouTube chat. I'm okay, it's okay. It just works. Now I know why it's called refresh.

Amaya says we changed the name of the satsang from 'Thank You For Killing Me' from a few days ago and it brought up a whole YouTube sideline with words of YouTubes about killing and hate. I see. Maybe it will get better now that the title was changed. Associated titles are still there. It's funny how things can work. Thank you for pointing it out, my dear. Nikhil says it disappears after marking as spam. Myself, we should not title satsang with words out of context because it creates associated YouTubes like axeman chopping heads, etc. Okay, we look at this. Okay, I'm not sure where I left the chat, but Dina says, 'Oh, it's 1:10.' Okay, let's quickly read this. 'Are you awake now?' I laughed all day today. Simple like this is something is shaky here now because it's exposed. Scared feeling is here in the heart sometimes. Some energy is trying to get a hold over you and very quickly, very good, you got in satsang and it stands exposed. So some play will happen, but it's okay. Okay, who's going to sing for us today? Dina knows a song. You have to unmute before you start singing. No, nothing is coming up. Be pre-ordained.

Yeah, I can sing something. Let's get my guitar. Hoping it's some cheese.

I also want to sing one song, and I like singing what I can't think about. I need to learn some songs. Can you think of anything? I can think you can sing better. I never know when to stop saying this because it can just keep going on and I live forever and ever and ever. Can we have your invocations now? Jay. Thank you again. Thank you so much. Thank you all so very much for being in satsang today. Jay. Enjoy. Thank you, my dear. We can turn the broadcast off now. Thank you so much.