The 'I Am Awareness But...' Game - 2nd November 2017

But I still identify with an idea I have of myself as a person.

Yes, this is the primal addiction. To identify with the idea means to give that idea some belief. It is impossible to identify unless the idea has belief. You cannot identify with an unbelieved idea. So as we are withdrawing our beliefs from these ideas, we are seeing that they're not true, then this habit will also break. So this is the meaning of 'let them all come and go, don't serve them tea.' This is what it means: that all ideas come and go, you don't sell them your belief. Then you will notice that to identify seems more and more of a struggle, and naturally even your attention is not going to these thoughts as much as it used to. Good one.

Not sure if it's a 'but,' but there is no sense of dissolving. Not sure if it's a 'but,' there is a sense of peace also.

Is there an idea that that dissolving must be complete and then I will be free? It's not your head if it is so. Whatever is dissolving is dissolving; you are here now. So this 'You' is already complete. Whether dissolving is happening or not, there is nowhere for Consciousness to get to. God does not have to become God. 'I am' will only be 'I am.' That term 'only' does not apply.

Why does my attention, awareness, flow to the personality level and not rest in the Omkaram, the I am?

Usually when I use the term, if I would use the term like 'Ahankara,' I would refer to that as the idea that 'I am something,' the ego. Ahankara. So here what you're saying is: why does my attention flow to the personality level? Even if it flows to the personality level, so what? Does it mean personality level now? Does it flow to the sensations of the body? Attention... you can elaborate a bit more on this. Even if it flows here, attention is going to body, if it is going to thoughts, what happens? Nothing happens until you identify, until you buy it. Actually, the Ahankara is not yet created. The Ahankara is created when you make it 'I am something' and you identify.

Claire said, 'I ego and I.' 'But I would...' 'I, you know what I'm saying?' 'But I...'

This is the primal confusion. If you were to put it very shortly, in a very short way, it will be this: 'I.' In this movement based on the 'I' mind, but what about bigger 'I's, unlimited 'I's, smaller concern about the non-existent one? You see, which is the constant message from the mind saying, 'But what about this? But what about this?' And saying you invested so much in this small 'I.' Small 'I,' let's see it through. Maybe it will win one day. Maybe the small 'I' will become God one day if you just give it enough money and the right relationships and the right health of the body and give it this enlightenment to top off the icing on the cake, and you will be the perfect 'I.' I mean, this is the story. Nobody has found it like that. Nobody has got it like that because there is no such thing as the perfect body, there is no such thing as the right amount of money, and there is no such thing as the best relationship, you see? You see? So the foundation for the icing on the cake is just not there.

So we keep hoping that this representation of 'I,' this little 'I' which we pretend enough that we are, will one day become this unlimited one. The masks, they become real. When we put it in these terms, then you see that it is not possible. The mask will not become the real; the mask must be immediately thrown away. It's only discarded. But I like this very much: 'I, but I.' Big capital 'I,' but what about little old me? And this little old me is the one that has a name, it has a particular form. Now the mind convinces: 'Okay, at least with this one, you know it's me. You know its form. This big one, you cannot name it. This nameless one, you cannot find the form.' And this can seem a bit scary initially. 'At least I'm used to something here. I've been thrown into this unknown, the great unknown.'

Once you start enjoying this great unknown... and I'm here to reassure you that everything is taken care of, because I know the fear of the unknown is a primal fear. So this one that you cannot put into a size, you cannot put into a color... but if you think that it is you, but something is scared of the unknown quality of this, so we come back to this limited 'I.' 'At least I know something about this I. It had a birth, it will have a death. This is what its name is. These are the parents of this one.' You see? For a while it can seem more reassuring that we hang on to this also. But as you get more and more used to this taste of this—that 'I' which cannot be known mentally, this cannot be seen visually, cannot be heard through the ears—this you start reclaiming your throne with that Being, and you will never want to exchange it for the limited one. Never want to exchange it for that which has a birth and death.

But my kids... I am a mother.

Really? I say that I don't get in the middle of the mother identity. But here we can also ask this question: who is the better mother? Is it God or is it the limited one? Krishna says the entire basket of objections... yes, the entire basket of objections. The basket is gone, gone until you put the next thing into the basket, when it all seems to reappear and you buy the next notion about yourself.

I am Consciousness, but I want to be no-thing.

Yes, and you will tonight when you sleep. Until then, enjoy being something. This primal something, primal something 'I am,' without being 'I am something,' is the primordial vibration, you see? In our church, in Hinduism, this primordial vibration 'Om' is revered throughout, at the beginning of every mantra, every invocation. This primordial 'I am,' the primal something before you become a limited something. So this Being, its unlimited nature, its playing... enjoy the taste of this Being because this is going. I said tonight, actually, but you do not know whether it's going to be here after this moment. You cannot be sure of this. So it is here to taste.

Let's look at this again: 'I am Consciousness, but I want to be no-thing.' Yes, even this is already here. Don't even have to wait for sleep. That which is aware of this Consciousness is you, greater than Consciousness itself. That of which Consciousness is just an aspect is you, already here. You are as nothing. I cannot hear... you can say independent of the appearance and disappearance even of Consciousness, you are. The small thing, but fear is arising: 'Who will look after me if the mind is dissolved?' This is also a very popular one. Expose it here and hand it over because this 'who will look after me'... the 'me' that has been looking after you has not done such a great job, otherwise you would not be in Satsang, you see? If you were satisfied with how the ego has presumably looked after this life, then you would not be in Satsang.

There must be something which is a deeper longing, searching for the stability of the Self, wanting to let go of this constantly changing mind. One day it rises, one day it likes this, you see? One day it likes the fact that 'my partner is just my opposite, opposites attract, I love them so much,' and tomorrow they say, 'Well, why can't my partner be more like me? Why can't we get along?' This kind of play is what the 'who' has offered. We long for the stability of the Self, which has no change. No change happening. We are done with this coming and going, ever-changing. The 'me' that needs to be looked after—where is it now? You will find that really God is here where the Consciousness is, and you are That which is aware of even this Consciousness.

But I want my love life to be on my terms. I am God, but my love life has to be on my terms.

We're doing silly, ridiculous trades. 'I trade that all for the peace of my own Being.' Please burn this. Very good.

But waiting for the approval of conditions set by the mind to accept this holiness.

Yes, waiting for the mind's certificate. Yes, yes. You really are the Being, you really are the Awareness aware of Being, waiting for this mind's certificate which never says—hardly ever says—yes. Mostly says, 'Just a little more, one more, one more retreat, one more insight and you are there.' You see? The time that it says yes also, 'I got it,' just to turn it around and say, 'See, see, see? Now you caught it, now you're losing it again. You lost it.' So drop this game today. Don't care about the mind's certificate.

I am Awareness, I am the Self, but I often forget it.

I often forget it. It doesn't need to be remembered. It doesn't need to be remembered. It is beyond memory, beyond imagination, beyond any thought, beyond any sort of keeping it alive in our memory constantly. This is also a common idea, that 'I must remember it all the time.' You see, anytime there is confusion that arises, you check again to see what you are. You are the Self. No need to put it in any memory. In fact, better not to remember it. Okay, this might sound a bit funny, but don't remember it. If you remember it, then you will remember some visual of Awareness, you will try to remember some experience of Awareness. Do you need to remember something which is always so?

Then what will happen is the fear is that, 'But what happens when I pick up the wrong idea?' Insight will not fail you. Don't worry. As you come into this insight over and over in Satsang, and the confusion of the false limited self arises, don't worry, your insight will not fail you. A little bit of poking, a little bit of suffering, and you will turn your attention to the Self. It happens on its own. You won't have to remember it; it sounds like too much effort.

Then next: 'But just...' 'I have Awareness, but just...' because none of the 'but's want to see, to stand up yet. There is still this uncertainty. This is what some of the... we actually are saying: 'I, but I.' 'Just what is actually there?'