Sharing Satsang - Jesh's Report - 15 May 2015

I was thinking yesterday, or I forget when, this morning, that maybe today's the only day I've ever lived. Yeah, I woke up in the morning and the memory is just a false memory of my entire life, and I go to bed and I may not wake up as this tomorrow. All appearances are seen. Rather, at times there is identification, but very quickly I am able to step back. And I'm also feeling I'm ready to let it all go. Everything, you know? I am willing to let go of my work, my family, all attachments. It sounds selfish, but that's what I feel like. Let go. What is it? The reactions to that? So if something happens, if something happens, let's say at work or in the family, it's not happening to me. And my only problem is I believe it's happening to me. And it's like an unfeeling happening of these layers which are not mine.

The other day, just for a brief moment, I'm not searching anymore. Today I have come here for nothing. I didn't come here... I just came here along. Whatever appearance there is, whether it is sad or happy, or there is a peace about it. There can be a disturbance, but there's a peace about it. But things come up sometimes. Sexual needs come up; they come up strongly sometimes. Guilt comes up, Father. And there's no problem with that, you know? Momentarily, again, I identify with that, but there's no problem with that because I'm free, you know? I'm free to watch whatever is there. I also realized I'm not doing anything, Father. Especially, there is no doership in my sadhana because I cannot do anything. I just have to be, and then whatever will happen will happen.

So I've stopped imagining. Well, that's not true. I do imagine at times, okay, what if, you know, what is enlightenment like? Or what? But then I realized I'm free right now, and the only thing that stops me is my comment. So I don't know where I am, honestly. I don't know. I don't ask myself 'where am I?' on a constant basis. You know, initially I felt like Pallavi was just like, you know, motoring ahead of me and he's like, 'Wow, she's having all these...' and today I'm happy for her, you know? There are people I hate in my life, and I also realized that they are my best ally in my journey because they're digging up stuff inside of me and then it's just, you know, being offered up. You were talking about Shanley leaving you something, something in Facebook. It's terrific. If she's confused, there's nowhere I can go, Father. Where can I go where you are not? And where can I go where I am not? It's not possible to go anywhere.

I'm contemplating a lot about, you know, you talk about projections, and I'm trying to figure out, okay, how am I projecting over this? And then I just let it go. I said, I don't need to know, you know? I just need to be in the now and just be with myself. I'm also in fewer states and in a lot less bliss than I used to feel before I met you. Okay? Like I used to be in a lot of blissed-out states earlier, Father, you know? Just these blissed-out... just... but those that I was just chasing. Today I'm not chasing anything, Father. I don't know if I'm making any sense. Yeah, I'm just, you know, it's an appearance and there is a part of me that wants to hold on to it, but there's also a realization that it's time to just let it go. So you have time to leave the appearance. I'm not the appearance. And I'm standing no matter what happens. If the world were to collapse in front of me, I would still be here. Sometimes I wonder that it might be a bit lonely, but you know, I'm not doing anything. It's just you sitting with you, being with you, thinking of you 24/7. You know, it's this constant... I'm not... it just is this unfolding. I'm ready to... if you said jump, I'm ready to jump. Thank you, Father. I love you.