It's Not 'Your' Eating Disorder - Dec. 30, 2015

Cannot find.

Then why do you say, 'I do like this, I have the disorder'? Cannot say like that unless you identify this 'I.' Don't refer to it as yourself. So you'll find that there are times where strong thoughts will come and maybe even images, you see. It might be attractive about food or repulsive about food, I'm not sure, but either way is the same thing. Who are you in all of this? And as long as you keep believing that 'I am the person who has this disorder' or 'doesn't have this disorder,' then more and more trouble will come. Then the ego has its way with you, you see.

How does food touch you? Food cannot touch you. In fact, we can go as far as to say even this body cannot touch you. Your own body cannot touch you. You are just the awareness of it. So how can we call something which cannot even touch you 'I'? Yes, strongly conditioned to believe this ever since we were children. Since we've been maybe two, two and a half years old, we've been told that 'this is my hand, this is my leg, this is my nose.' See, all parents teach like this, isn't it? 'Where's your nose? Where's your hair? Where's your head?' And we start believing that 'this is me, this body is me.' But even with all of this conditioning, we still feel actually that 'I am a person who is the owner of this body.' Most of us behave like that, that we are a person who owns this body, and this person is completely non-existent. So the body is just in this realm of appearances. The person idea doesn't even belong in this realm; it's only imagination.

The question is, what are you in all of this? And not what does it seem like you are. You can check now and confirm really what you are, and use everything that is coming trying to be an obstacle as momentum for this inquiry itself. So strong thoughts are coming; you ask, 'Who are these thoughts coming to? Who is aware of these thoughts?'

So it's like, um, yes, I'm aware that there's a response to these. So I'm responding to...

Yes, the awareness responding? Can the awareness respond? Awareness is completely unmoved, isn't it? Then how is the response happening? We can watch this together; it's very nice. We say that a trigger is there or a thought is there and 'I'm just responding.' How are you responding?

I'm plotting and planning what I can—'Can I, shall I eat this or shall I have that?' So that's how I respond.

So this is basically saying that 'I'm believing some thoughts which are coming up.' You see how when we say 'planning,' what are we saying? They're saying that 'I'm waiting for some thoughts to come.' Okay, 'What should I do? Okay, tomorrow when you wake up, you don't do this.' So this thought comes, or some other thought can come, and then when you give your belief to a few of these, then you say, 'I have a plan,' isn't it?

Yes.

So that's why we've taken it at the root and we said: don't believe your next thought. So this one, this simple pointing, is very powerful because we don't even need to then look at planning, strategizing—all that is not possible because all that means is that a set of thoughts was coming and I gave a belief to some of them, and I believe the thought that 'now I have a plan.'

I suppose it's because I get these thoughts so often like that, and that it's like a sort of bombardment, a constant bombardment. The same, the same, the same. It's the same stuff. It's the same stuff to do, you know?

But because it's been, you see, it's been nourished either by your belief or your resistance.

Yes, and then anger and then every emotion that you can have attached to it. And then I'm ashamed of it, and I'm disappointed that even that I'm having this—having to have this conversation instead of some more highbrow, deep Shiva-type conversation. I'm talking about my body and eating, you know? And it's like, I can't believe I'm having to do this. But I just feel that—I know it's not true—that having this thought is keeping me in the body. But that it's there, the thoughts keeping me in the body, and this is going to stop me realizing my true nature unless I cut this thought. And then that's why I'm in this loop.

Let's realize your true nature right now, and then we'll see whether this all matters to anyone. Yes, because the mind will say, 'But first, how can you be realized? How can you find freedom when you can't even get over an eating disorder?' The mind will say like this, you see. Don't believe this; it's completely rubbish. Who are you right now? Let's start from what you really understand at this moment. Don't worry about anyone else in the Satsang, don't worry about Bhagavati sitting next to you. Just with full integrity and honesty, tell me who you see yourself to be right now in this moment.

I'm not sure, really. I'm not sure who I am, in all honesty.

Okay, so that's very good, very good. So let's start from here. You said that you are aware of your body, isn't it? You are aware of your body, and if you were to put your attention to your breath, you would be aware of your breath as well. Then if you wait for some time, you will be aware of the next thought that comes. You are aware of your emotions also. Now, where is this awareness in relation to you? How far from this awareness are you?

It feels the same. It feels like it is the same.

What, you and the awareness? Does it feel like they are the same?

Yes.

Now stay here. Stay here and see if any thought, any emotion can touch you as awareness.

No, it can't. It can't.

Is there a way for you to create some distance between yourself and this awareness? Can you try to get a little away from it? Can you try to separate from this awareness?

No. Just a little bit only if I let my attention wander.

Yes. Even if attention is going, let attention also wander. Let it wander, leave it completely free, and then tell me if you manage to create some distance between yourself and awareness.

No, no distance.

Let attention go free. Let all thoughts come and go. Let all emotions come and go. You are this untouched awareness. The mind will come and say, 'But have you really seen this? Are you just speaking it?' The mind will come and say like this. Then when it comes like this, just check again: 'What am I? Where am I in relation to this awareness?' This one, stay as this one. Let all that needs to happen happen. Be completely unconcerned. The mind will come and say, 'But what happened to the eating disorder thing?' Then you can say, 'Whose is it? Whose disorder is it?' It's not mine, see? And every time it convinces you that you have a disorder, you can ask, 'Who is this you? Who is this me that has this disorder?' You will find that it does not exist. So in this way, we trick the trickster itself. The trickster tries to convince you of your separation, and you use whatever it is trying to say to deepen your own inquiry.

Yeah, I think that um, it was something you said in the Satsang the other day, that if something like picking up the pen, you know, and then if you can't drop the pen, yes, it's showing your attachment. And that is Grace. And in many respects, this is—I see it as Grace, and hence why I knew I needed to talk about it, to bring it up rather than trying to keep it hidden.

This is very good, very good, very good. You were able to expose it. Thank you so much for your time.

Father, very welcome, very welcome.

So we can say that there is an appearance of these disorders. Everybody will have something or the other, you see. Every car will break down at some point or the other. Some cars have constant issues, some cars have once-in-a-while big issues that happen. Every car is built differently. But do not say that 'I have this.' Some who are deeply attached to their cars will also be very miserable because of it. Some whose life depends very strongly on what car they have can get deeply entrenched in the suffering of their cars. But to see that this vehicle, this body, seems to have this trouble or this trouble—as long as we are not saying 'I have this trouble,' it's all okay.

So can I just ask that if it's the fact that um, that it's because how I want my appearance to be? Yeah, that's how the eating disorder sort of came about is—so it's my appearance which um, which I know is to be absolutely, you know, but it's like, you know, why, where is that coming? You know, why should I be so concerned about—do you know what I mean? And it's that that's brought that about, you know, and it's like...

I have this trouble. It's all okay. So can I just ask that if it's the fact that it's because how I want my appearance to be, yeah, that's how the eating disorder sort of came about? So it's my appearance, which I know is to be absolutely, you know... but it's like, you know, why? Where is that coming from? Why should I be so concerned about... do you know what I mean? And it's that that's brought that about, you know. And it's like, you know, wanting to look a particular way, wanting to be perceived a particular way. And I know that all of that is absolute rubbish. And everything else has fallen away, everything else in my everything, you know. And it's just being this, you know, of how I look and how I perceive myself and how other... you know, it's like if I'm when I'm awake, I want to be slim and awake. You know what I mean? I don't... and it's like, I mean, that's a crazy thought, but you see what I mean? It's like, and it seems such strong ego, so strong ego there. And that's what I'm... that's a concern that I have, that it's very...

Very good. There are a few things we can look at here. One is you said, 'How I perceive myself.' How do I perceive myself? So, how do you perceive yourself now? How do you perceive yourself?

Oh, that's perceiving myself as the body. Yes.

Yes, but anytime you check, it is clear that I cannot be this bundle of flesh and blood and skin or whatever. Every time you really look, you cannot say that 'I am this.' You see that 'I am the witnessing of this body also.' As long as you perceive yourself as a body, then this confusion can come. But once you start perceiving yourself as either the presence or the witness of the presence also—either is okay—you can perceive yourself as the presence of beingness which is here, or the eternal awareness which is aware even of this presence. Then, is this a changing perception? Does this change in any way?

Yes, because when I'm not believing my next thought, then I am... then I know that I'm not going with that. So I know that I'm not the body. But it's like when these things get in the back door and... yeah, it still seems so ridiculous. But sometimes you just need your Master. What you're doing... thank you. Pulling me out to the shark-infested or whatever.

It's very good. The first thing you can look at is: how do I perceive myself? And if I perceive myself as a person, then can I find this person? If I perceive myself as a body, then how will I look 50 years from now? How did I look 100 years before this? How long can I keep up the way the body looks? Same thing for others; what will they perceive 50 years from now? So will you be concerned about these fleeting perceptions? Are you concerned about the eternal perception?

Now, I know this is a borrowed body. I know it's borrowed, you know. And I know that it could be gone tomorrow. I know this, I know this. This is the frustrating thing. I know this from Buddhism, I know it from... I know it's not my body. And yet it's like...

But I understand exactly what you're... convert it from knowing it like a mental knowledge. Convert it from knowing it like a mental knowledge to just seeing it in the moment, you see? Because when it is mental knowledge, it can be frustrating. But when it is checked and seen for your own self again and again through the inquiry, then it goes from being mental knowledge to just a pure, innocent experiencing of your true Self. Because mental knowledge will lead to guilt; it will lead to this kind of frustration that 'I know this, but then why do I do this?' You don't need to know anything, actually. See, drop all knowledge. If you drop all knowledge, what you will have to do is check in every moment. Then you have to check fresh. Check fresh: where am I? Who am I?

Is it Giani in... I was reading this morning and I felt this very strongly when Papaji said about being... I this... but presenting one naked at Satsang, you know? And that's how I want to be, is naked. You know, I really want to sit here totally naked in front of you, free from all concepts, free from all beliefs.

Concepts, knowledge, everything. Suppose you were just now... you were born just now. What do you know? Don't know anything. Do you have plans? Does a newborn baby have plans? Is it concerned about the next moment? Completely. Then when something comes up for you, you can check. Don't refer back to the mind. Don't refer it back to the mind, some knowledge, some book that you may have read. That's not now. You have the power to just see for yourself your own true nature, you see? Don't give the problem to the mind; it will only make it worse. Use these appearances of problems as fire, as wood in the fire for your own self-inquiry. In this way, I can go as far as to say: welcome all of this. Welcome. If disorder is coming, welcome it. Oh, what are you saying? What are you saying? Then it says, 'Oh, you cannot eat, it's making you look fat.' So who are you talking to then? Who are you talking to? You use it like this. Welcome it and say, 'What do you want?' If you run from it, then it keeps chasing you. I talked about the example, you know, the dog chasing the bike. You keep trying to escape the dog, the dog keeps chasing you. Then you stop the bike; it doesn't know what to do. It doesn't know what to do. You face the disorder and say, 'Okay, what is it that you want?' And it says, 'But you're looking so fat, huh?' And you say, 'But what are you talking about? What are you talking about? Talking about this body which is going to come and go? It's going... how many more years does it have? I'm not concerned.' Don't run from it. Don't want to escape. Just be present. Just be present to face it. Be present to face it. Confront it if you have to. Don't run. Okay? No run.

Thank you so much, Father. Thank you, my dear. Thank you. I love you so much.

I love you too. Beautiful lights you have behind you as well.

That was our Christmas. Thank you, Father. Thank you for your time.

Thank you, my dear.