If It Feels Like I Have a Choice, Don´t Believe Your Next Thought - 14th Sept. 2016

Yes. Well, that's probably the answer to the second question. Every time, every day or every other day, there's a new fog. So, what? There's something supposedly blocking the seeing, clear seeing. What blocks? Yes, what? What comes in the thing to block the seeing? What is the form of this?

It starts with thoughts.

So, the appearance of a thought—does it become a block? No, only when believed in. And once you believe in a thought, what does it actually block? This is the one who believes in a thought. And that which believes in the thought is which one?

Person.

So, what does this person look like before it believes in this thought?

It's not there.

But we just said that the person believes in this thought, so it must be there to believe in it. Therefore, it cannot be both. So that the person believes in the thought, the person itself is not there before the belief. What?

Well, it feels like Consciousness is taking the shape of a person when that belief is there.

Yeah. So now, what actually got blocked? So if it is Consciousness that is playing as, and therefore taking the shape, as you say, of a person—has Consciousness now blocked itself up to itself, clear seeing?

There's a belief that keeps resurfacing. So it's like the Japanese restaurant analogy, the metaphor that you give. And once you start believing one thought, all of a sudden you're eating a whole seven-course meal, would you not? And once you eat the seven-course meal, there's a belief that, 'Oh, I lost it here,' and that resurfaces.

Exactly. So just the mere presence of thoughts is believed as an indication—even though it's known it's not an indication—that there is no clear seeing. But obviously it's seen. But even though sages have thoughts, if that would mean that there is no clear seeing, then that would make it just too difficult because I have not met anyone who doesn't have a single thought. There is a belief that the sage doesn't pay attention to thoughts, whereas we don't work, believe, or pay attention to those. Believe, yeah. If so, it is not the presence of the thoughts, but whether they are identified with or whether they are believed in that makes the seeming difference. But what we were talking about was something even more fundamental, which was that even if Consciousness does get identified to be a person, what is it actually? The block cannot block anything. Cannot block. It's just a different experience. Yeah, yes. Yeah, for speaking from the same level then, as Consciousness wants to experience itself as a person, who can stop it? And if Consciousness doesn't want to experience itself as a person anymore, nothing can make that happen. But as long as you see that nothing fundamental changes, only the appearance, a level of appearance of physical matter, but in the sense of how this life is experienced. You see? So then what is satsang? Only a reminder that Consciousness is making to itself in the play. Not that it needs any reminders. Just like everything, most of the things in the world are making it believe or selling the belief that it is a person, it has also created some clear, some parts of the play which remind itself that it is not a person. And then in the monologue, then Consciousness is from one side, 'But what do I do? I am suffering.' And then Consciousness is from the other side, 'That is just because you're believing your thought.' You see? This is the game that Consciousness is playing with itself. So when it puts—suppose you put a hat on which says, 'Okay, I might get you in trouble in the US, but suppose you put a hat on which says, 'I love France.' Does that make you a Frenchman? Francophile, maybe, but not a Frenchman. Yes. And you can try to increase the pretense by starting to speak in a French accent, talking about the best French wine. You can take on all the pretenses, but in reality, does that really change the fact that you are not French? It doesn't. How so? Consciousness has this power to pretend as if it is something limited, but the reality of Consciousness does not change in that. You see? So the idea of the block is a big part of the pretense. That's what we are looking at today, because it can feel like something is really getting in the way, and we give more reality to our beliefs if you say that it actually can block something. See, that's why I love the word 'pretending' or 'pretense' a lot more, because in the word 'pretending' it is much lighter. It easily happened; it is just a pretending. And just look at it in this way. It makes it not as much of a struggle as it can seem like sometimes. You see this? Now, if he blocked, you can only say this from the perspective of Consciousness, you see, and ultimately say this from the perspective of that which is aware even of Consciousness. But as long as these words might not seem to have full resonance, because if you're in the Frenchman pretense, you see, and I say that, 'Oh, they have some nice vineyards in California,' you say, 'No, no, my French wine, nothing compared.' Can't even put on a French accent. I can do it. You do it sometimes. I can do it right now. It's not it now. The pretense is not happening. So from that perspective of the pretending one, then it can seem like it's like a concept. It can seem like the fact that there are no blocks and that you are free already itself will sound like a concept. So if you step back from this pretense and check right now if you're truly bound in any way, what do you find? If you didn't have a single idea about how, and you were just to check right now, can you show me the bondage, your block?

It's not possible.

Not possible. Isn't that great news? Firstly, we'll be searching for freedom, but when we check for bondage right now, we don't find it. So that itself, firstly, must be a cause of big celebration because that which I am looking for presumably is already here. So if the now is like this, what possible trouble can there be? Can we experience a moment which is not now?

I think what's happening here is that there is a movement, this famous oscillation that Guruji talks about, between being in quote-unquote formal satsang, whether it's with you or just reading a book or listening to whoever—not a teacher I follow then immediately there's you. You can pick Ningxia, my child. If you follow Mooji, I like what I'm doing mostly. If you—you don't have to be shy. Yeah, you know. But then when I'm in activity, yes, somehow—and I can't really necessarily draw a line when the pretense begins—and all of a sudden with the pretense comes the seeker with a bag full of beliefs. 'Oh, in Consciousness there is nothing.' You know, obviously you're not there now because you have this agitation in front of you. Yes, yeah, yeah. Now all this is happening in a, I should say, lower volume than before. But I guess maybe there's still a belief in the magic pill kind of seeker who's, you know, once this is seen, I don't know, all the conditioning will dry up or these questions will become ridiculous to the extent that sometimes it feels like... so there is still a sense of choice, of doership. And sometimes it feels like there is no doership in the sense that I can't steal—Consciousness quote-unquote takes over and I was planning on doing one thing, but it's not happening. And so there's a real opening to that and like, okay, I really want to have fully into that. But at the same time, knowing that I don't have any say into what space this is going to happen, if at all, and it doesn't ultimately matter. But there is some still, I guess, seeing in that that is believed. So mostly I want to just put it at your feet.

It's good. So when these activities happen, there are usually two ways in which we experience them. One, when they're happening, it seems just automatic that belief is going to things and the responses are coming that way, and I'm playing the role of personhood completely in autopilot mode. It can seem like that, isn't it? So many times we pick up guilt about these things, the one-two punch. You see how the multi-course meal is like this? It just moved like that, and it truly wasn't this sense of choice at all. It just was so caught up in the situation that the sense of belief, everything went. And there can be sometimes where it can seem like a real choice. Okay, these thoughts are coming, just saying, 'I must do this, I must confront this one like this, I must say this.' See, these thoughts are coming like this, and it can seem like there is a choice with them, whether to pick them up now, whether to just allow them to come and go. Now, as we have been coming to satsang, the times where it seems like a choice, no, there's more space, more distance where these times see more and more. That's why we allow ourselves to more and more, and that's how things have become lighter than before. Then as these moments become lighter, then you will find that even in those times which seemed like so automatically, now there is this sense of choice that comes. I can just allow them to come and go. You see? So as peace is opening up for the rest of it, then more space is going for those which are the core identities also, which seem to be so just reactionary that we didn't have a sense of time or space to believe or not to believe. See, then more space comes to believe or not believe. You see? Then you will find light. You will find that in most situations it can feel like there is a simple choice: there's a ticket on the bus of these thoughts, or whether to let the bus just come and go. So it will become lighter and lighter in this way. Then you will find that that which was so sticky earlier now is losing its stickiness. As obvious as the velcro thoughts in life will start to lose the velcro-ness, you see, in some way they will start to become less and less sticky. Then you find that it's a very, very rare thing when you get to give it some belief, and there is no hundred percent in this. Everyone, every expression that I have met, has bought some identity, has got some story from the mind. The time for which it has been bought and the quantity which is bought, that keeps reducing. Then it becomes almost momentary. You see? It becomes very less. The funny thing is this, that very rare things are being picked up. Even the sense of seeming choice starts to dissolve. Then that which seemed like a choice which I was making, that is also clearly seen, and seen that no, it was not choice. It was just the play of grace, the play of Consciousness itself, because you're realizing that never was a person here anyway. It's a virtuous circle in some way. As we continue to make the choice of not believing our thoughts, whenever they're said, just make that choice and don't feel guilty about—don't buy the guilt thoughts about the times where it seemed like there was no choice in the matter anyway. Because many times this second punch, mostly the second punch is much more, you see. So what are we saying? Very simply is that there will be moments where this seemed like it just happened, the whole thing. And what is worse is that we believe that we have not really found ourselves in satsang, we are not free yet. All these beliefs get bought. What to do? To go at least, because it is a very natural functioning of being inside this. That is why I have started so much to make a distinction between the recognition, which is becoming so clear for all of you, and the dropping of all conditioning. Because there can be this idea, which itself is an idea, that the instant the recognition of who I am should happen, in that instant all conditioning should be dropped. You see? Now when it doesn't play like that, we start questioning our own recognition. Then you answer the question: are you aware now that the recognition has not changed?

That is why I have started so much to make a distinction between the recognition, which is becoming so clear for all of you, and the dropping of all conditioning. Because there can be this idea—which itself is an idea—that the instant the recognition of Who I am should happen, in that instant all conditioning should be dropped, you see? Now, when it doesn't play like that, we start questioning our own recognition. When you answer the question 'Are you aware now?' it's not that the recognition has not happened. Actually, if you are answering it from a place of looking, then there is no way that the recognition is not happening. So the recognition is there, but we question the recognition because the conditioning still continues to cling.

What to do about this conditioning is only this: whenever it feels like I have a choice, don't believe your next thought. I should maybe add this; maybe I should just add this instead of just saying 'don't believe your next thought.' I should just say whenever it feels like there is a choice, then don't believe your next thought. Because when I say 'don't believe your next thought,' maybe there's a lot of potential for guilt—that 'I am still believing the next thought, I'm still not there, I'm not free.' So maybe we should just say it like this from now on: if it feels like there is a choice, then in that case, don't believe your next thought. If it doesn't feel like it, then anyway there's nothing to do; it is just going to happen anyway. So that, I feel, will make it lighter, isn't it? It seems there are some comments coming from the room also, then we can continue.

It's more of a question of getting... especially now for me, does involvement by default mean that I'm believing it? Because involvement in what? In the physical activity?

In the physical activity? No. This is a very important point, because the mind can say that in the not believing of the thoughts, there must be a very inert state before the functioning is happening; therefore, you must be involved in your thought. But this is not true. Functioning can happen. All these ages—many of the sages have done great activity, great seva. Bhagavan himself cooked a lot of food for those visitors to the ashram, you see? So deep involvement in an activity can happen. Deep involvement, deep engagement in an activity can happen without our picking up the ideas, picking up this conditioning, you see?

Yeah, for me it feels like a flow. But also, I cannot for sure say that there was no intention. There's also some intention that occurs, needs to happen, and then, you know, that arises and then it becomes a flow. But I am not sure whether there is a belief there or, you know, this doership there. Sometimes it feels that there nothing exists but a flow.

To check whether it is doership—this strong sense of what it must be or not—you can just check whether, if the outcome was not in the way that the intention was, does that come with suffering or is that light? If there is probably no prerequisite even for an outcome, there is just an intention or desire to move, that's all there is. Then this sense can be there. But if there is no strong sense of how this intention should turn out, you see, then it is the way of the karma yogi, you see? Yeah.

Also, yeah, but there is a... and today I can kind of see that I don't know whether it will... I just leave it till it happens. Sometimes, many times I don't do it, and actually I see it happening from somewhere else as the movement is happening.

Do you experience it to be a joyful movement?

No, I can say yeah, more like... is it like I'm enthusiastic? No. Yes, very enthusiastic. It's fine. I don't know. It feels... yeah, it doesn't feel like there is resistance. It just feels like... it feels like the resistance if I forcibly come here.

Yes, exactly. So in this way, then, all these movements can happen. So we can say like this: that there can be a mild intention. You can say Bhagavan saying that 'I want to cook food for my devotees that come to the ashram,' but if it doesn't happen that way—another question comes with an urgent, burning thing—then if it goes another way, he's not suffering because of that, you see? So it is just like playing the game in some way, but very likely it is not a really strong feeling, not coming out of vasana. In that, we mean when we talk about intention, usually it is that they say 'This is my goal, this is the ambition,' like that. And then when it doesn't show up in that way, then we feel like, 'Oh, it didn't happen,' and that can bring suffering.

Yeah, it's nice. It's almost like a feeling, it's almost like movement accelerated coming back to Ram. I think a lot of that resonates with me as well. And in the grand scheme, I can't say that even in moments after supposedly there was some guilt even, but it's still a flow. I mean, there's much more space. I'm not like I'm intending to do one thing and then some other thing happens and it's just so much more space than before. I can see that. But I can see the energy still in the conditioning of... and I'm what I would probably call a relatively functional ego, so you know, managing life. And it seems—perhaps this is just redundant to even interpret it—but it seems that somehow there's a reorientation and trying to lose that functional ego in control of supposedly of life and daily activities. And when the activity is mundane, then there's definitely flow, there's no thought, you know, from cooking or whatever. But there is some, I guess, places where there is still fertile ground. And what you were saying before, I think the root is the sense of choice. Because when there's a flow, there's no sense of choice, or it really doesn't matter. Like if, you know, I'm cooking and I'm just opening the fridge to pick up whatever is there, exactly, there's no strategy on what vegetable is going to go in the pot. Whereas in other things, the mind says, 'Oh, wait a second, you should think. There's two ways to go, or three ways, or four ways,' and that easily blooms into a whole kind of symphony of thoughts.

Yes. What I find mostly is that thoughts come in this and this, and a sense of just inner clarity is also there that is not really an option at all. This seems like clearly what feels like could be done. So this inner clarity emerges. And when the inner clarity doesn't emerge, what I usually do is I ask everyone else, 'Oh, do you feel we should do...?' or 'Do you feel any of you seem like this?' because it's not here. So I ask someone else. I know ultimately all is grace. So even that seeming burden of picking up these choices and contemplating them, evaluating them, seems like it is too much. So I just ask someone. Now, if there is no one who can be asked about it, then what I do is I just let it emerge on its own. Then, although it might seem like a choice, it really isn't. I just make this seeming choice of not choosing, you see, until it is completely clear from the heart as to 'This is the way to go.' So then that makes it quite light.

When these conflicting ideas about choice come, then to get involved with that and try to pick and choose and to, you know, evaluate those decisions, that seems quite meaningless mostly here. So I just ask my family whatever they feel in their heart to do, I'm okay to go with that. Even if their choice is coming from the mind, I'm actually okay to go with that because I know that ultimately it is all one flow of grace. I just can't trouble myself enough to go with my mind in terms of going to the mind and saying, 'Okay, option A is fifty percent better than option B and it should be...' It seems like too much work. I'm too lazy for all that. And then if there is actually nobody who can even guide like that, in that way, I just leave it until it emerges. And many times it's also seen that what was decided, or the sense that 'this is the way to go,' this feeling is there, at the last minute it feels like 'no,' but the feet are moving in the opposite direction. And that itself shows you that this seeming choice-making, decision-making, actually is really nothing. Because in spite of choices, many times they've just done the opposite of what was decided.

Yeah, it's kind of like that. I mean, sometimes I feel like there's still some mental noise going on in decision-making, but a deeper sense of just keeping quiet and waiting for that intuition to come.

Yes. But of course, sometimes it's not—or at least for me here—it's not always clear, that intuition. Or at least it's not coming in the timeframe, let's say, that the mind dictates. Yes, because it doesn't—which is actually a great blessing—it doesn't dance to the tunes of the mind, you see? Imagine if the intuition would start just being a servant to the mind, saying, the mind saying, 'Okay, intuition, what you got, you know?' and the intuition is standing up and saying, 'Yes, yes master, this is what I have.' Then it is the reverse position. Doesn't the mind just get like this? 'We should answer all requirements and say yes.' So it doesn't dance to the tunes of the mind like, 'Oh, I really need my intuition now, where is it?' It will become completely quiet, happily, because it is not meant for that.

In fact, as I have seen it here, I found that to go to intuition about things which are just seemingly personal, just like this, you know, worldly phenomenal, the impulse to go to intuition for that is very minimal actually. It feels like that intuition is this voice which is speaking these words in satsang now. And to go to it for some very selfish sort of decision-making seems like... this feels like it is not what the purpose of this intuition is for. It is not meant to make the life of an empirical person easier. It is just meant to share this sharing in satsang, sharing of the intuitive truths which are being discovered here, sharing of these insights. And most of you know anyway that I don't pray also for anything specific usually. My prayer usually is just that my Father's will be done, whichever way he wants to. It's completely fine. Because to let intuition or the Satguru dance to the voice of this mind would be like a blatant misuse. But it doesn't even dance to it, so we don't have to worry about it. So to put it simply, what we're saying is that if it is personal, then don't necessarily expect intuition to help you. So it doesn't matter, basically. Yeah.

This sense of choice-making itself will go, to be honest. And I say that if one day it was felt like there is no intuitive guidance available for anything anymore, even that would be completely fine, because I know that every single movement of every blade of grass is happening through His will.

I think one thing that I misinterpreted from Rupert that might have been causing too much havoc or noise is when he talks about what he calls the outward path and living from your deepest love and understanding. I think it's for me very easy for the mind to take over that and say, 'I'll figure out what's the deepest love and understanding, just give me a second' kind of thing.

Yeah. So let's presume for a minute that you do not need guidance, because I don't want to say anything but full respect to anything these beautiful teachers are sharing. So there can be this too much pressure. So if this was your question, 'How do I live this?' I would say that don't try to live this, because nobody really can live this. Because trying to live this is also coming from a sort of personal place, and you really cannot live this. It has to live itself. Therefore, when Guruji says 'hand your existence over to existence,' this is what is meant. It is not that we are trying to now live from the place of existence. It is just a simple handing over, that 'It is not my concern anymore. Now it is all your problem. Highest place, lowest place—I don't understand any of this stuff. I am just going to allow your play.'

Nobody really can live this because trying to live this is also coming from a sort of personal place, and you really cannot live this. It has to live itself. Therefore, when Guruji says, 'Hand your existence over to existence,' this is what is meant. It is not that we are trying to now live from the place of existence; it is just a simple handing over, that it is not my concern anymore. Now it is all Your problem. Highest place, lowest place—I don't understand any of this stuff. I am just going to allow Your presence to move. And it is not that in every moment I'm doing this audit and saying, 'Okay, is Your presence moving or is mine? Is there too much person here?' It's not like that. That's a very constricted state. So we just let go of it that way, and we're not trying to live it, because trying to live it would seem like too much pressure, you see? Too much burden. The one that has been living it is this Beingness itself, this Consciousness itself. I am Consciousness is playing the game in this way.

But if you take on the burden of... see what is really happening. Awareness exhibited itself in a phenomenal form of Consciousness, then putting on the pretense of personhood is easy. And then this person trying to behave as if it is Consciousness, if not Awareness itself, is too much. Too much of a burden, you see? So it is not like that. It is not because many times it can be that spirituality brings on an additional burden of you're trying to personally live as if you're Consciousness. Yeah, there's been lots of the mind picking up what I said in the past, and it's not doing or pretending to be somebody spiritual or whatever. Yes, so God pretending to be a person who is then pretending to be God is the biggest burden that anyone can carry. Therefore, the coming to the truth is the removal of this sense of personal existence, personal identity, in the first place. Then all pretenses halt.

So in some way or the other, it is many times said, 'Fake it till you make it,' you see? But this 'fake it' is a lot of burden, you see? If you are faking it to try to be God, then the person pretending now to have got it and now wanting to move as if it is God—it's too much. Just drop all of this. Yeah, don't try to live in any particular way because even if you were to tell me here that, 'Okay, Ananta, you must live from your deepest place,' wow, just thinking about that is like, you know, taking on something which will become additional pressure, you see? If you try to live like an awakened being, if you try to live like an enlightened person or something like that, it's so much struggle, it's so much burden. I actually won't wish a burden like that on anyone. I won't say that you must live your life in any which way.

And we have beautiful examples where every expression of every sage has been so different, isn't it? And it would be so confusing to try and emulate one of them because some sages have been full of love and kindness in their outward expression, some of them so angry in the outward expression, some have been completely silent in their outward expression, some have just been talking, talking in their outward expression. So what would it mean to try and emulate that? So then it cannot mean the outward. Then it would mean that, yes, every moment you have to listen to what your intuition is saying. Well, if that comes like this, like a mental guidance that 'I must listen to what my intuition is saying,' then when it does not happen—because it cannot happen all the time, you see, unless we stop the mind completely—there will be moments in which something mental will be picked up, you see? But if there's so much about living it a certain way, then that will come with a lot of guilt, you see? A lot of remorse about picking up from the mind and part of the trouble about, 'Oh, I didn't do it right. I'm supposed to live in this authentic way.' That's too much pressure for me.

It's easier to say that you can drop this mind, we can not believe our thoughts. But even if belief is happening, all of that belief and the movement of this expression is always in accordance with God's will. Nothing can move out of it. It's all God's play anyway. So anything which gives you the potential for more guilt—let's keep it simple—anything which gives you the potential for more guilt, safely drop that, you see? Either it is a misinterpretation or it's better to drop something that we have heard in that way. Anything that you hear here also in Satsang, if it gives you potential for more guilt—like if 'don't believe your next thought' just ends up making you feel guilty more and more—then better we even drop that. Because these pointings are meant to dislodge all of this stuff, not to give you additional things to be guilty about now.

And it's been the same way. This is what happens when we give it to the mind, you see? The greatest sages have come, the greatest masters have come, prophets have come, you see? Jesus spoke very beautifully, but now Christianity can become like the biggest cause of guilt for a lot of humanity. It is not because of what Jesus said, but how the mind has interpreted it over generations. So it becomes like... many Christians actually call it the religion of guilt. So that was not Jesus' intent. So if there's a lot more depth, there's a lot more space and understanding now. Oh, I don't know anything again. And it's so... it's so simple looking from Consciousness, so to speak. It's simple, it's simple, and there's obviously no knowledge.

Yeah, and every... it seems like every time I... there's a strong conditioning to get more conceptual knowledge, and not necessarily related to Satsang or teaching. Even that seems like just a burden because it again starts kind of that guilt trip of, 'Oh, I should behave in such and such a way.'

Yes, yes, yes. So I feel like we have a beautiful litmus test now. If you sense that this has potential to make you guilty because somehow, maybe in your this expression in this life, something is more attracted to this guilty feeling, guilty sort of things, so there was a conditioning. It's very good. So this is a good litmus test. You can sense that something you pick up from Satsang or you hear from anyone, but actually what is happening is that it's giving you some excuse to feel more guilty about yourself, then you can safely drop it. There are enough pointings out there, there are enough questions, inquiries, which will point you straight to the truth without you having to pick up this burden of doing something properly or not doing properly about it.

And sometimes even those things which have made us guilty, then I say drop them, there might be this feeling that, 'No, no, maybe I can hold on to this one.' Everything actually can also feel like guilt is becoming like a comfort zone, you see? Guilt itself becomes a zone of... this is okay. Drop any pointing which has this potential to make you guilty. Then something can feel like, 'Oh, he's making me give up all my candy now.' The point is to come to this place where we see that I really don't know anything. I tried this, I tried this, but none of this works from the perspective of... I feel the deepest urge at this point of time would have been to get something for the person. Then you will find many things which might work, seemingly work for the person, you see? In the play, there are many self-help teachings. You can have all of the things that will seem like you can make the person into a giant of a man or something like that. We can 'awaken the giant within you' or something.

So like I said it very beautifully, that within the function, if you want to play in this personal way, then there can be a lot of local truths in that. You talk about programming, so there can be a lot of local variables which might be true in that particular function. But if you've stepped out from this intent to operate as a person and you're moving towards universality, then the global variables must become all tending to zero, you see? You must empty out all our ideas. And this not knowing anything is very, very beautiful. You might even feel like, 'Not only don't I know anything, I'm not even understanding anything that he's saying.' When you beat yourself up when that happens, you sense that, 'Oh, but when I came to Satsang, I was understanding everything you were saying.' Not really. You were creating a basket of concepts, and we are creating a more beautiful house of cards full of spiritual ideas. You're making this house of cards of spirituality, and once this gets blown away, it's frustrating.

Now, as I've been in Satsang longer, I just feel like I don't know anything. I am not even understanding a word that he was saying. But this is a very auspicious part of the process. It can seem frustrating to the mind, saying, 'My house of cards is being blown up.' It's good for it to happen because these words have not been meant to be understood in that way. In fact, they were only meant to demolish all our concepts. So they are doing their job. And as we get more and more okay with not knowing anything, then you will find that life becomes an expression of this on its own without trying to. You live your life not knowing. Just try not to use it as an opportunity to make yourself this guilty thing: 'Oh, I was supposed to live as if I'm not knowing.' It's not like this. So this inherently comes with a pointing. So if everything gives you that guilt, then better to forget about all of it. But you find that it's possible just to live our life without knowing anything at all. You might find that it becomes very light, and yet everything can seem to happen. Maybe this is the place that's true. But it cannot be that to live authentically, you can come from a place of mental knowing, not even a place of mentally trying to live authentically, you see? Does that confuse you completely now, or is there something left to confuse?

No, it's just the mind is still sticky with kind of, 'Okay, so what does it actually mean?' Okay, so you have confused me. Yeah, it keeps coming back with kind of whatever decision point there is supposedly. But what I heard was just keep quiet and...

Yeah, why? Okay, let's also delve a little deeper into this. Why to just keep quiet? Because to presume that I have a decision to make, I am presuming myself to be first the person. And we found that there is no person that exists. We looked and looked. Therefore, this presumption of being an individual decision-maker is a fallacy, you see? Then the only end to this God's will versus so-called free will debate is to see that there is nobody apart from God, apart from Consciousness, who would have any will in the first place. Therefore, God's will must be free will. It is not two, but one.

But also practically speaking, I said, isn't it that if there is a sense of decision to be made, then sometimes what gives great clarity is seeing that actually it is not really a decision and just like a game being played, and I already know that this is what feels right, you see? So this sense can come. Sometimes you can call this intuition. If that sense is not there, then we can at least... what I do is I ask my family and the Sangha. It's even better. You see, it's appropriate to ask them this question. Or if they don't have an answer, then I lose that idea that I have to decide something, and somewhere I just wake up knowing that this is what feels like it is the right next step. There is a sense of clarity which will emerge on its own. And if it doesn't emerge right to the nth moment, sometimes it can feel like there is no clarity about what I'm going to say or do next, isn't it? So you will find that when you're in the situation, then your feet move, your mouth speaks words. I'll tell you a funny story. When the sharing of Satsang started here, there was the sense that something wanted to say, 'Okay, what is going to be shared today? Do you have any idea?' And the mind would come and say, 'But Ananta, you're going to make a fool of yourself today because you have nothing to say. It's all done.'

Sometimes it can feel like there is no clarity about what I'm going to say or do next, isn't it? So you will find that when you're in the situation, then your feet move, your mouth speaks words. I'll tell you a funny story. When the sharing of satsang started here, there was the sense that something wanted to say, 'Okay, what is going to be shared today? Do you have any idea?' And the mind would come and say, 'But you're going to make a fool of yourself today because you have nothing to say; it's all done.' These kind of things. It tried to build some fear about the sharing of satsang.

So what would happen is I would just come and just wait for the mouth to start moving on its own way. And I would find some days it just moves immediately; some days it takes a few moments. So this was great searching for me here because you can just let it go and see, just watch if the mouth is going to move or not. And I always found that this voice, for the purposes of satsang, has never really not shown itself, you see? Although there would be openness here also to admit if one day nothing came, I would just say, 'It's quiet here; there's nothing that wants to move.' So even in the sharing of satsang, the mind can come and say, 'But what you want to say is... but you're completely out of things to say.' These kind of fears it used to do a lot in the first few months of the sharing.

But now, I don't know if it still does, but I give no attention—not so much attention goes to it. So I'm not even sure that it still comes before satsang, this voice. And if this presence can speak from this space with such beauty, then I'm sure it can figure out what to do with these small decisions in our life. Initially, what also used to happen from here is that the words would come out from this mouth and there was a hearing of these words, and something—the mind—still was going, 'Wow, this is really good stuff.' Yes, I have to be honest and admit that when this hearing started and the words would come easily, it was something which was still evaluating the words, thinking, 'Not bad, not bad.' All this is part of the normal human play; nothing to worry so much about that.

And going back perhaps to the original question you asked me, yeah, one of the decision points supposedly that is coming is how to architect, quote-unquote, life. And it was seen that it's complete rubbish in the sense of, 'Oh, I should find this kind of job so I have enough hours to be in satsang' and this. And it sounded very romantic for a little bit, maybe an hour or two, and then coming to work, you know, I don't know, 50 hours a week, then I'm at the work. I don't know. That's... yeah. But it's my joy to be in this form of satsang, fully knowing that satsang, no, it never ends.

Yes, very good, very good. And like Guruji says, life is not indicative in any way. So whatever is the best response to what is, what is our inner urge, that will show up for us in our life, whether we recognize it in that moment or not. When we look back at our lives, we mostly see this, isn't it? It is just what I needed at that point of time, and it showed up. Same acceptance usually is not there for what is appearing now, you see? But more and more, as we start looking at it and saying that everything in the past has been such a beautiful flow—even the hard whacks which I got from life were exactly what was needed—and it is seen like this, then you start also trusting what is appearing now.

And we're not trying to micromanage any of this thing. We have really no tools as a person because we don't exist that way, but we have no tools to manage this life. I used to joke earlier and say it's like with a twig we're trying to control the flow of the river. We don't know anything. Tomorrow some crazy dictator can explode, do a nuclear test, which is... this is not so far from reality what I'm saying. There's some news...

Reality, okay. This guy was doing a nuclear test and the reaction went out of control. It's no longer in control. With one small minor detail, it's all game over, finish. I wasn't sure if you were talking about... I'm talking about this one, North Korea.

North Korea, they did some nuclear test. Thank you, my dear. Actually, this example can sound very despondent almost, you see? But for me, the great sense of freedom in that is this: so what do you need to control? That's why, as Bhagavan said this, there is a sense that we have a choice. Then make a choice not to go with the mind. That initial push-in is very important. Discovering...