Even If Not Understanding Satsang: Can You Stop Being? - 15th April 2016

So yes, actually, if you are talking about an appearance in this realm, then we cannot really refer to it as ultimate anyway because this realm is the realm of conditioning. There is no expression, true expression of that ultimate, non-existent, non-phenomenal absolute which can be found in this layer of phenomena. This entire realm is a way of phenomena. Okay, yes. You're handsome also then to just presume that, okay, I am non-phenomenal, which is an absolute truth, can sometimes become the denial of disappearance of this relatively. Yeah, yeah, okay. I know it's—I know a consumer bit sticky. What I'm simply saying is that although the truth is always that I am this non-phenomenal awareness, yet to deny the appearance of the dynamic aspect, the phenomenal aspect which arises within me, can become a very strongly equated mental standpoint if you just—if you just say like a mantra that it is just always this awareness, all is this absolute. Yeah, that then how that manifests, and how it manifested here when I was under this fiction in the sense, was that the manifestation of this spiritual joke which anyone would come in front of me and say, 'This is what's happening to me because this is what my day was like,' like my husband, my life would come and say these things to me, I would say, 'But who are you? You don't exist.' So I can tell that conversation would not go well then. Maybe because, as I said, although everything you're saying is true, you're still being with you. And this jerkiness comes from sticking on initially to an ultimate perspective and refusing to acknowledge the existence or the appearance of this Lila, which is consciousness. And yet the denial of consciousness can only happen within one, since this awareness cannot say there is no consciousness. Awareness is not interested in saying that. So even the denial of consciousness happens only within the realm of consciousness. Yeah, yeah, it's not really the chair, whatever. Yeah, so there must be this appearance of this dynamic aspect, the sense I am, and within which the ability to say 'I am not.' Even to say 'I am not' first must presume the existence of an I am. I know I am with a bit tricky with it, but we must look into these things because you can even say 'I am not' needs I am. How—how are you speaking exactly, or how would you say 'I am not' before there being an I am which is not? Yeah, easy. So this leads to a lot of level confusion because in the sense that we're trying to speak about that which is the ultimate reality from a place of denying the relative appearance of this phenomenal level within the phenomenal realm. Yeah, if all that we need to be true is the ultimate reality, then I don't feel there would be any need to speak in the phenomenal level.

But you still speak.

Exactly. So that is now what we are coming to. So what is then the point of satsang? What is the point of this sharing with it? So for me, I would rather hear—rather than denying the phenomenal claim, let us look. And nobody can deny that this appearance is appearing. Really, with integrity, can we deny this appearance is appearing? No. It can be said that I am not in this appearance, but we cannot say this appearance is not appearing because even to see that would be within the turns itself. Yeah, so now that this appearance seems to be appearing, how does the play of appearances go? It goes with the picking up of conditioning that I am a person, I am the body, these are my relationships, these are things I want and these are the things I don't want, this is my life. All of this conditioned play, playing as a person, is the usual appearance in this realm. And how it also usually appears is that when one is tired of playing as a person—looking the Griffin, answering your question fine building—okay, when one is tired of playing as a person, then the next stage of this play, this Lila, starts, which is the play of freedom. Play of freedom. The play of freedom. But nothing really happened to consciousness. Consciousness, when it started playing as a person, did not actually become a person. Okay, played the play of the person. Okay, and then as a final game of the play of the person, it is playing the game of dissolution of personhood itself. Yes, so it is the dissolution of personhood which is the ending of the play as the person. And yet that which is this i-am-ness which is here cannot be denied because I cannot say I have stopped being. Yes, because I discovered I am not a person, being is still here. The denial of being can only be within being. So then you continue to play as consciousness, as God. So you move from playing as if you're a person to moving to play just as consciousness or God itself.

But when you say you play, do you feel like you're playing or is it—I'm speculatively looking, but I want to ask, do you feel—so you say you are playing as God. Are you playing as God or God is playing and you're just kind of dead also? My—it depends on what you're calling yourselves. So if you say that I am awareness, then you can say that I am the witness of God's Spirit. Yeah, but in a sense, is there a sense of 'I am playing'? Is that sense there?

I am playing. I am the I am sense still remains. So you have the feeling that your name, yes, the sense that I am itself is the play. The sense that I am itself is the play. So I am stays and this world of appearances are dancing for the I am that itself is the play now. But you're no longer playing as a person. But if you are saying it is a—feel like I'm playing as if like I'm playing a video game or something, do not check that. I don't, but it's fine. Click. Okay, so let's place the word 'play.' Yeah, so let's say that God was pretending as if it is a person and playing a pretending in that way, and now the pretense is drawn. But it doesn't mean that this world of appearances stops appearing and moving about. So forget play. You see this aspect of retaining talent and your words actually fishes because I kind of stop like being able to understand the word kind of a while ago. It's like in every satsang I don't understand anything and I don't even know why I'm asking the questions because I also know I won't understand usually. But I—I just really like that. I mean, I just—I just—I know what I feel when I come here, said that enough, and I know what's happening inside.

Okay, but somehow I want to know this. I don't know why I want to know this right now. Okay, so tell me. I know this feeling. I know this feeling from direct experience. So when I say, 'Can you stop being now?' Is it something to understand in that? So you asking the question and the question goes inside and something—something happens. It's like almost like somebody puts another camphor into a fire here. It's like that. And I feel like it's something burns again, becomes nonsense, lights up and it feels real or whatever. Okay, and that's all I can will say here. What the answer is, one can use—I don't know. Now, I don't know. You must try to stop being. You try to stop being. Don't be. Don't be. Can you not be? So just a second, it's important.

No, it's—I don't know. I don't want to say experience. Don't worry about sounding silly or later. I hang something raising good. Can you stop me? But you want to get Indian answer like or will our next video see from your own experience? Can I stop being now? I can't. I can't. But I find it hard to say this because there is nothing substantiating my response. Like, I usually try to speak when I have something to substantiate it, like something to prove that what I'm saying is true. But I'm just saying it's like—it feels like I'm zero.

We don't need any secondary evidence, just a direct evidence that I try to stop being and yet being is still here. Yeah, it's here. Being is here. I don't know if I can stop it or non-stop it. I took a question, I tried to stop it. Instead of—point is not to stop it or not stop it. The point is to bring you to the experience that the being is here. Yeah, here, it's here. So that's all that needed to be understood with that. Okay, so you are coming to the direct experiencing. The my inputs will be saying, 'But I didn't understand what happened.' Yeah, so directly what I was saying, it's an idea of understanding has been this conceptual understanding and we are going—we are keeping that aside and coming to the direct looking. So you say being is here. No mental concept can come bring you to this point where authoritatively you can say being is here. It can only give you the correct experience.

Can you tell me if I'm experiencing it or not?

You are experiencing as everybody is. No, but so when I say yes, am I lying? Why am I telling the truth? If you aligned and you would have been able to stop being. You cannot really offer—

I'm not just speaking like a conceptual spiritual ego, I might or whatever. I might just—I don't know. Am I fake or am I real? Like, I don't want to be—I don't want to just keep coming to satsang and just be a lemon. I like, you know, like I wanna—I wanna like—I really want to get there and speak honestly just like a child. Can you stop being? Not swooping.

Why?

Because cause I can hear they work. My being is—is being. Yes, and my heart is beating and I'm feeling the heart beating. So I feel like this is me being.

That's right. You can feel the being is being. Does it need the heart to be to be? But when you ask me this question, the response is almost like my heart goes boom. Yeah, yeah. And yet if that was to stop, would that be the end of being? Suppose even this didn't come to your attention, in what it will be the end is what I feel like right now. My heart stops beating, I wouldn't exist. If right now, give you stop being irrespective of what the heart is doing. How can I separate my heart from my being? If I saying if my brains are functioning then I would stop being. So is it the heart or the brain? Feels like it's my heart, I found so.

The response is almost like my heart goes boom, yeah, yeah. And yet, if that was to stop, would that be the end of being? Suppose even this didn't come to your attention, in what it will be the end is what I feel like right now. My heart stops beating, I wouldn't exist. If right now, you stop being, irrespective of what the heart is doing...

How can I separate my heart from my being? If I'm saying if my brains are functioning, then I would stop being. So is it the heart or the brain?

Feels like it's my heart. I found, so found, I found, I know I found. But it's really what I'm telling you. You're looking at conditioning and ideas that we have about ourselves and we are letting them go. So it's okay to look at this, to be held on this like this? Yes, because the experience of the heart beating is validating my existence and I can climb gold spiritual and thoughts are believing it and all, but no, it really feels like that. Okay, so this is and this emotion, there's a lot of emotion around that heart center area energy I can feel in the body. I think this is where I am and the rest of it is where the rest of your body is, not inside you. It's usually this is where I am. The rest of it is not you.

It's not? Then what is it? Who is it?

Some, it's something else. I'm not concerned about it.

So you are just here?

I just feel like I'm in my heart, like it is an emotion. It's emotional and it also is accompanied with a thorough physical heart moving.

Yes. So if you are just here, then who would be worried about sounding silly over they got it or none of them here? Just the heart. So don't side that. Just the heart. Now what else is there? Who else is again? Who doesn't want to speak from solution concepts? Who is it that stops understanding midrange return the heart? And who perceives the heart also? Is that which sees the heart or is aware of the heart, is that also the heart?

No.

So that can be also seen. Are you seeing not even the beating of the physical heart? Who is perceiving?

I can't catch that question. Like, it's not this one that can't get that question.

Let's keep that on the side for a while because it's simpler than that. You're seeing that the heart is beating, yes or no?

Yes.

That which is seeing that the heart is beating, was that one that is providing you that your heart is beating? No, she is not. Is it not your direct experience?

It is my direct experience.

So therefore you must be seeing that the heart is beating. You are aware of the beating of your heart, isn't it?

Yes, I am. Yes.

So this one that is aware of the beating of the heart, is that also beating or is it the heart? What is it? Yet fail in silence. Yeah, it comes and goes though.

It comes and goes. Then who is there to see that it comes and goes? You see it comes and goes, which I say this out of frustration because I'm always coming back to this place. Okay, we can behind me. I'm losing it and coming back and losing it.

And I so let's, let's say like this, okay? Suppose I'm attached to something, okay? And this something is like a flower in my garden or some my rose plant. It has these roses and I'm very happy when it comes, but it goes. It comes and it goes, okay? So I am watching my rose plant. The rose is coming and the rose is going, you see? And that I don't like because it comes and goes. But I must be there to report that something is coming and going. I must know that the rose plant is Keizer or doesn't have a rose. Of course, of course, yes. In the same thing, I could say that, oh, that has this beautiful thought about the future, this beautiful image, imagination of what my house will be ten years later, and I love it. But even this heart comes and goes. Therefore, there must be an 'I' that knows that this heart comes and goes, isn't it? In the same way, you could say, I'll have this beautiful feeling of bliss. Yeah, even this feeling comes and goes. Yeah, I mean, it's always there in that form, yes. And then I leave nothing and it, there it is. But it mean eventually it goes. It goes. Everything in this appearance comes and goes. But for you to be able to see it comes and goes, that means you must be there to watch the coming and going of it. Can you really say if you were just that feeling or that which actually came and went, then you would go along with Islam? But that's impossible. That's one nobody. We just mentally impossible, already are mentally impossible. Let us check any feeling, the coming and going of it. A mind is not there to witness it. You say in the turn, I get this beautiful feeling of bliss and then it reduces and eventually cool. Am I getting those experiences? Yes, yes, I am, yes. And yet that which is the witness of these is untouched by them. That we said this is coming, very good, very beautiful, very strong, and then we are going. Is that one touched by it?

Because I get it, I get it, and then I doubt it. I get it and then I doubted you. I doubt every time like a doubting person. Like I tried all of us, yeah, I have that tendency from ever. I doubt everything, anything. It's very conscious spirituality, so very helpful, yeah. But it's bad also.

Well, sometimes between you and satsang, it can be helpful actually because I don't believe anything.

Don't believe anything. No, but it's bad.

Don't believe that also because like I get a good experience, I'm like, wait, am I really getting this experience? It is really happening for me? I might other than that any fish use this. I think mad, I feel like a madman. Don't believe this was. Don't believe it is bad that you are mad. All these ads do not do yourselves, okay? So don't believe any, okay? Including what I'm saying.

Yes. Okay, no wait. Now I have to believe what you say. It's like because if I believe what you say, it overrides my own beliefs honestly because I'm able to put more trust in your words than my words. So it actually helps a lot. I just say like, I believe Ananta, and then I'm able to get out of my own head and I just listen to you and it takes me out.

But so if it's replacing trial conditioning, the new conditioning that is all, all right. But ultimately even this conditioning must be let go of because I don't want you to be dependent on my belief system.

But I am right now.

So let's look at how we can even transcend that.

I don't want to try. This is also, I just want to be with like around you. I just wanted, I keep, I don't know, maybe yeah, because you are it. I can just keep listening to you, you'll take me wherever I need to go. I don't have to do any.

Okay, this is very beautiful, but just don't block off anything then. If you trust me, then this remain open to what is being children. Okay, okay, okay. I don't really care what is saying, I just want to be with him. I kind you put on, yes, yeah, in here you read because this is a normal thing that happens with those with a devotional temperament, yes. Ends they can fall into this job which is that he's just talking. So, so see whatever, whatever, whatever sense you have little bit of this meaning open. Don't say it's just whatever, just you mean open. Okay, see I don't get it, but I trust he gave me that. Yes, and you will find that those who have come to satsang with even this devotion, the guarana when she came first, no interest in any of what was being pointed like this, she would just like this and I just want to be with you. I know that I'm safe with you, I can trust you. Yes, you can. And yet there was some just openness to allowing things to come and so I'm looking to happen very naturally. And now if his victories she speaks about all of this awareness, consciousness, there's nothing which escapes.

I think it's only because of that actually because I don't get the other stuff really. I, I can pretend like I get it and say the stuff, but I feel like it's only because I put my whole being like in what you say. I'm like, I'm just going to like, I just totally listen to you and then it automatically happens. It's totally you, like that's the only thing that works.

Yeah, it's so killer actually. Someone was to ask me also, and although I can sound like this and sound very every time thing like this, but is somewhere else a you have to put pick between being a devotee or being a gang, I would say devotee anymore. Then, then being a devotee is not a struggle. Yeah, it's not nice, not really. Then everything is my Master's problem. I thought this earth, then the dad, all this conditionings on the mind, what's going to happen to you, where is my life going, all of that seems powerless. Yeah, because none of it is my problem.

Yes, this is my problem.

But none of it is your problem.

But I am a bad student. I pick it up again.

Don't pick this up. You get rid of it, I get it back. You get rid of it, I get back. And the food student, food store room, would that be to solve you say I am surrender to you, then don't pick up time to fix the bathroom innocence. When I get frustrated because I'm like, aha, you know, because he has he went to satsang and I did this and I'm like, you're free, and then you pick it up again. You, you go to my problem there. You cannot have it go to you, you. This is okay with me under this. It's like you come halfway and I come up. I believe that and I did not the way or something like that. Just you can see something really bad. But the point, real point is that if you surrender, then surrender everything. There are many variations of half surrender and this is one of them. Yeah, the first variation of heart surrender is that you are the doer now, but I am the experiencer. Therefore, why are you doing this to me? Or thank you for doing this to me. But actually were an experiencer must be the same. Sometimes those who are inclined to cry they will say all the good things. Yes, I was any good today, I did all the good stuff, right? And yet God is doing this to me, or my master is doing these bad things to me. Yeah, those who are inclined towards bribe will say that. Those who are inclined towards kill will say master dreams a great stuff, Ananta is doing this, you're doing this, but yet I am being so bad. Yeah, then if your master can do this good stuff, then who doing the batter stop? If the master is Ghidorah, then everything must be is doing and it's end. Yes, I understand. So then with this surrender, when you see that the sense of personal doership dissolves and then you see that everything is my master's, and then you say my master and I are one, one. Let that be my problem to deal with. You don't pick up anything about yourself. Let it all when you take it up with my father. Whatever the mind is saying, take it up in my father. Thank you being bad, you are not listening to the ticket of my father. But I can say that very you can see that. Okay, even the most sometimes the fear is that how can I give this to my father? This is too horrible. Oh yeah, yes, I feel bad we'll roll. Yes, whatever you can. How can I enter state you? How can I just put up ordinance or the responsibility to blame on you? You can, can't just make excuses for your life shut them like that. You cannot hurt bow to you. Then don't give me the good support. Don't give me credit for the good sir pintails attended it. But how does that help mean exactly? So believe both of this to me. If, if there is a sense that my master is doing it, then your master's doing everything. The experiences realm of mantas. Sometimes you're eating sugar, sometimes you're eating salt. Then you will come to the realization that there is no certain and there is no master to be a one should give up on ideas of such then the most guilt-ridden one, the most shameful ones as well as the most full of pride, the most amazing ones, all ideas are certain certain must be dropped. Can you take them from natural you're doing in such? I don't want them when you don't energize them with your beliefs. Yeah, and especially almost a Tetons say take it up with my father because I see you are attracted to kill. Yes, why do you want to be rightly? It's all my problem. No, years of conditioning, right? So let or me excuses but years of conditioning and nothing for the stubble if you keep believing that over the years, therefore it should take years to go. Then it will clear that way to that which is the eternal one. Years of conditioning is nothing but a blink of an eyelid. It is.

Energize them with your beliefs, yeah. And especially, almost a thousand times, say: 'Take it up with my Father.' Because I see you are attracted to guilt, yes? Why do you want to be right? It's all my problem, no?

Years of conditioning, right? So let me make excuses, but years of conditioning and nothing for the struggle. If you keep believing that over the years, therefore it should take years to go, then it will clear that way. To that which is the eternal one, years of conditioning is nothing but a blink of an eyelid.

It is the devotee that has the easiest time of it. So now, you see, don't become guilty about that, you see? Because those who are attracted to guilt, even if I say 'don't become guilty,' they say, 'Okay, I'm becoming too guilty about that.'

Like, I wanted the pink on the computer, so I can't even blame anyone else. I can't make an excuse, but I chose that thought pattern. I can even, since I've come to Satsang, I can see, 'Ah, at that point I chose that and I continue to run that way.' So yeah, I feel like I'm running back the other way. I have to run as long...

Now, you don't have to do anything. I'm running for you.

And this can be a little fearful with my encumbrances, but then who are you? What are you to do? Nothing. Thank you. I love you. I love you a lot, really.

Yes, no, immediately. I really love you a lot.

I'd be totally just lost without you.

You try. I'm always here. Even to the gate, I'm mostly around if you wander again.

Thank God for that. Thank God I was born in Bangalore. Can you imagine? Wondering if I did something right to be born in Bangalore to dance this dance together. You had to be here. Okay, I thank God for that. Thank God for you. Okay, I love you. I guess I should go.

Thanks. I love you.