A Clear Review of Satsang Basics - 4th May 2016

So then what can happen is that we start letting go, dropping our beliefs in some thoughts, and those which are still seemingly meaningful to us, those we still pick up. And they could be the spiritual ones now, the glorious-seeming ones; those could be picked up. Now the thoughts could also change. It could feel like the mind is now changing and it has become very spiritual, actually. It's giving you very scriptural words. The thoughts are much more well-dressed. Don't buy them, because if you buy this one also, it is with the presumption that 'I have become a very spiritual person' or 'I have become a very special person now because I know this,' which is a super glorious thing to know. But there's no value, actually. No value, actually. Why?

Because suppose the thought is 'I am that, I am awareness.' Then if it is just the thought and not really a pointer to what you're looking at or the real checking—if you're saying that 'I am awareness, I know this, I don't need to check anymore'—then it just becomes a concept. And when life comes with its seemingly strong situations, when the mind is blasting about various things, then what could happen to you and what your life will become? Then you insert one more thought like 'What about me?' into its reminder, saying, 'You're in big trouble.' You're saying, 'I am awareness.' It says, 'You're in big trouble.' You say, 'I am awareness.' It's more suffering then, even believing that you're awareness. No, it's true, although it sounds funny.

So the thing is, such great dichotomy can happen that your suffering actually seems to intensify. Then we try to counter one thought with another thought. And this is from my own experience. I remember that then I used to know all of these things and I felt like I knew everything. And then when suffering came—my business was going down the drain, there were fights at home—all this was happening, and none of these concepts were really helping at all. In fact, they were making it worse. I thought, 'If I am that, then what is it that is feeling the pain? What is suffering?' So it was just becoming worse because of this. And ultimately, even though it is painful, it is the greatest, because that is when the conceptual framework is seen to be completely useless unless it is only a pointer for our inquiry.

So the minute we get into this phase that 'I know this now and therefore I don't need to look anymore,' you must be wary of such proclamations, saying that we have arrived at this level or something like that. So what did we see? We saw that all suffering is personal, and the person idea has to be continuously nourished with new butter, with new thoughts, with new nourishment of belief in fresh thoughts. Because we saw that in the right now, all our prior conditioning is gone. We are free. But if you tug at it, if it is our belief in one branch of the tree, then the entire tree seems to be here. The non-existing person seems to be real because the power of belief is our power to pretend.

And there can be some questions about what is it that... which thoughts are these that I should drop and which thoughts should I continue to pick up? And I say that we must not... we don't need to pick up any thought for two reasons. One is that all thoughts, even if they are proclaiming the most glorious truth, they still start with the premise, they still bring to you as if you are a person, as if you're a separate entity. It cannot fathom the truth of what you are; therefore, it has to go with the pretend of what you are. So for all thoughts, the premise is the personal lie.

And the second reason is that even if a sense of needing guidance still remains, you will find that with the dropping of allegiance to your mind, you find that the intuitive sense becomes more and more seemingly available to you. It was always there, but now that you've dropped allegiance to this energy called the mind, the intuitive will, the intuitive energy, seems to become more in focus. So even then, you will not be left without guidance or without what to do. The seeming identity that still remains will not be without guidance. Your inner satsang or your outer satsang will still be available to you so that you can solve what little bit still seems to get your belief in spite of the intent not to believe.

So what is important to see here is the sense of not believing our thoughts is not a constricted space. In fact, it is a very open space. Like we say, the Master said, 'Keep the doors open. All thoughts are allowed to come and go, yes, but we are not serving them tea.' Now, serving them tea could be interpreted in two ways. The first way is that 'I am not going to look at them. Whatever visitors are coming, I am just going to hide.' But in that, there seems to be a lot more effort. You want to peek into what came, and that which we are resisting from seeing, that seems to become suddenly very attractive for us to see. So the play with attention in this way is not really required.

So, 'not serve them tea' very effortlessly must mean you just stay where you are. Allow them to come and go. Don't give them meaning. Don't give them belief. Don't make them relevant. Don't try to fight them. Then we find great openness in the allowing of thoughts, everything to come and go. And you truly will not be able to say in that moment that 'I am suffering' or 'something is happening to me.' This is for those who are coming for this first stage of discovery. This itself is tremendous: that the seeming burden of suffering is no longer felt. The solution is not engaging with the next visitor that comes to the door, not believing our next thought.

And I would like to feel that most of you now, having been in satsang for some time, except for momentarily or for a short period of time, are not really personally suffering in this way. And yet we find that there is a primal urge to go further into this. The urge for self-discovery mostly does not come to an end at the end of this seeming personal suffering. And where does it usually go next? Traditionally, it has been said that even the greatest seekers, when they first went to their Master, they went with this question: 'Can you show me God?' Or maybe Vivekananda also had this question when he went to his Master: 'Can you show me God?' For this question to come, it's because we've had a concept of God, we've had an idea about God. And this urge for self-discovery mostly brings us to this point next, which is: What is God? Can you show me God?

Now, God is a word which has many, many definitions. So before we look further into it, let's clarify when we refer to God here, what is the definition that we are following? So when we refer to God in satsang, we are referring to God as consciousness, which is traditionally how God has been referred to in various cultures across the world. I mean, God has been referred to as this consciousness, and He said in the Bible, 'I am that I am.' So this i-am-ness, this beingness, this consciousness... there was a long period of time here where it was completely unclear what it means, this beingness.

Often I have said that I was reading 'I Am That,' but also I was reading the experiences that happened because Nisargadatta Maharaj would keep saying, 'Stay with the sense I am. Stay with the sense I am. Just play with the sense I am.' For three years, just three years, I stayed with the sense I am, and everything was a struggle. I just couldn't fathom, 'What is this I am, really?' What made it happen? I don't know. At the end of the day, I have to say I don't know. I have to say grace. Because when it became clear what this sense I am was, I was actually sitting in an auto-rickshaw—what you guys call a tuk-tuk—going from here to the office, which was maybe 500 meters away. Sitting there, just sitting in an auto-rickshaw, it was just so clear: 'Oho! This has always been here, this sense of being. It's always been this. This is the sense I am. Okay.'

And it is so apparent and obvious that even at that moment, when I looked back and said, 'What was the frustration or confusion?' I couldn't fathom it. So I have to say that it was grace, although there was a lot of looking, looking, looking. 'This I am, what is I am?' I did a lot of film-style fighting with God, saying, 'Why can't you show me what is this I am?' All the same thing, all this fancy stuff happened. But then, then it just became apparent. There was no... not even inquiry which was happening here. It was just like that. Now, the feeling when it comes to express from here is the sense that what would have helped that poor inquirer a little better if this one had an opportunity to go back in time and speak to that one and help him in some way? What is the way in which I would like to communicate with that one? And the feeling from here is that...

The same thing, all these fancy stuff happen, but then it just became apparent there was no inquiry which is happening here. It's just like that now. So the feeling when it comes to express from here exists—the sense that what would have helped that boring inquirer a little better if this one had an opportunity to go back in time and speak to that one and help him in some way? What is the way in which I would like to communicate with that one? And the feeling from here is that I would ask that one whether you can stop being now, instead of trying to search for being. The inversion of the question I find very useful, but I have no real way of knowing whether even that would have been understood then. But my feeling is that to ask the question in this way—'Can you stop being now?'—would make the inquiry a little more focused, a little more obvious, a little more clear, instead of saying 'Can you find your being?'

That is why I offer this question to you. If you say, 'Can you show me a God-consciousness, being, Atma, whatever you call it?' then I offer you this question: Can you stop being? And you see the sense that 'I exist,' 'I am' is here. The presence is here. You cannot stop being. You don't need to imagine it; we don't need to make a picture out of it. It is just the sense of existence, I am. It is not the thought 'I am.' It is not the thought 'I am'—only this sense 'I am,' the presence 'I am,' I exist. And very naturally we know this to be true because we say, 'I went to sleep, I woke up.' And it's very natural for us to say, 'I am feeling this way, I am doing this, I am going there.' So this is this 'I am.' This is being. This is very naturally clear.

But for the mind, it's completely confusing because the mind itself is the product of this being. 'My mind is very noisy today. My outside environment is very frustrating today. My family is being very troublesome today. My life is not going as well as I would like. My story has been one of so much struggle. I am suffering from this, this, and this.' Who is this one? Who is this one that even has the ability to attach stories to itself? Everything that we say after 'I am' is a story. Everything that we believe after 'I am' is a condition. And all the conditioning is just attributes which have been attached to the sense 'I am.' But it is important to see that in actuality, being is just being. Nothing really gets attached to it. It is only a pretend, only a belief. So all the beliefs that we have picked up along the way are pretenses for this pure being or 'I am.' This is what we are in satsang for: some form of consciousness coming to the recognition of its source, and consciousness letting go of all conditions that it seemingly attached to itself.

Therefore, satsang is not for the person, because the person does not even seem to exist apparently. And all conditions apply to only that which seems to be here when we say 'I am here.' Come to this beautiful recognition: I am that I am. God experiencing God itself is consciousness experiencing consciousness itself. And all that consciousness needs to do to play as a person, to put on the 'on' switch of playing this personal game, is to say 'I am something.' Attach any attribute, any thought, any condition to this, and the personal play seemingly begins. And this for most is enough, actually. It is already the end of suffering and the realization of beingness, of consciousness—Atma sakshatkar, as it is called in India.

And only some of us have the true urge to look even further than this, which is to ask: Who is aware even of this being? Therefore, the third and final question in satsang usually is: What is the absolute truth? What is awareness, or that which we refer to now as the Self? Like 'God,' the word 'Self' is used differently. The Buddhists use 'the self' actually to call the self the false sense of self, which is the ego. So don't get confused with terminology. When we use the word 'Self' here, we are referring to the absolute truth. And this question can come: What is the absolute truth?

Now, I have suggested two ways to look at this. One proceeds from the previous question, which is: Who is aware even of being? Second is: Am I aware now? It's a very profound and beautiful inquiry because it is immediately—even before immediately—known that awareness is here. It is known that knowingness is here. And it is known that it does not look like anything, it does not feel like anything. It is not a subject of time and space. It is not subject to time and space. No words can truly describe it. And it is seen that no matter what state is coming or going, this awareness remains unchanged. There is awareness of the deep sleep state, and yet awareness is untouched by deep sleep. There is awareness of the waking state, and yet awareness is untouched by the waking state. Of the dream state—untouched by the dream state. All the glorious meditative states like Samadhi—all it is aware of, and yet even these it remains untouched by.

And it is our experience in a state like sleep that all that was called consciousness in the play of consciousness dissolves back into that which it is ultimately made up of, which is awareness itself, and arises from that which it is made up of, which is awareness itself. Then it is seen that there is nothing outside of this. The knowing of knowingness itself, the awareness of awareness itself, is a recognition. But for who? Did awareness, which is the unchanging one, the untouched one, forget itself? Does awareness, the ultimate truth, need to have a recognition of itself to remind itself of the truth? Are any words needed for awareness in the content of any waking state, including content like satsang? Can it become meaningful to that which is the ultimate truth? For to this awareness, the content of what is appearing—although all content is made up of its own dynamic aspect called consciousness—the content is completely meaningless. Therefore, for awareness, whether it is satsang or it's a comedy show, it doesn't really matter.

And once we start to have this recognition for ourselves, then the mind starts playing very subtle tricks. The con artist also starts playing its game now because you're starting to have the recognition of what you are. Then what is the trick? The trick could be: 'Oh yes, now you've seen that you are awareness, so what is the point of satsang? Why do I need to inquire? You are awareness. What is the need for inquiry? What is the point of satsang? None of this matters.' And from the point of view of awareness, all this is completely true. Actually, nothing is ever really needed and nothing ever happened. Completely true.

Then what is it that we are here for? We are here because there is still a sense that 'I woke up' and 'I went to sleep.' This sense 'I am' is still playing here. Consciousness or God is playing here. And most environments in this play are adding to the conditioning, adding to the belief that consciousness is a person. 'I am something. I must become a better person. I must become happy. I am unhappy. I am happy.' All of this conditioning is getting added in most environments in this apparent realm. But also part of the play are these smaller points of light in which consciousness is coming to the recognition of its source, which is awareness, and consciousness letting go of all conditions that have been attached to it. Part of the play still? Yes.

So the seeming teacher in the play is the point of light of unassociated being which is opening us up to the same possibility of the same truth, but actually being here, being real for ourselves. Therefore, like I say, satsang is not for the person, because not even in this phenomenal play does a person really come into existence. And satsang is not for awareness, because awareness cannot be bound or free, cannot be deluded or illuminated. Satsang for awareness is as meaningless as any other part of this play. Therefore, satsang is for what? It is for the dynamic aspect of awareness itself called consciousness, which has been clinging as if it is a separate individual entity and is now coming to the recognition that 'I am made up of this awareness; I am awareness itself' and coming to the dissolution of all personal conditioning.

So now it has become very popular to negate this consciousness or being. It has become very popular to say, 'Let's not even make a distinction between awareness and consciousness because ultimately all is awareness.' But what usually happens—of course, some of you might have this just as an insight that all is awareness and nothing has really happened. And if it's true inside, and if it is that strong an insight that comes along with the dropping of all millions of years of conditioning, then nothing will be needed for you. No satsang is also needed, nothing at all. Then the play of consciousness will seem like a small grain of sand twittering about in nothing at all. Not even that, maybe not even a pinprick, this entire play of consciousness. Because in the totality of awareness, in the non-phenomenality of awareness, this phenomenal play is nothing at all.

But as long as it is not that, you must have this integrity to look: Is there really no difference for me between the deep sleep state and the waking state? Is this entire play of consciousness—with all the drama of relationships and money and health of the body and freedom—is all of this really nothing for me, not even a grain of sand? Then let me say these holy words that nothing has ever really happened. But if this is not our experience, with integrity, then don't be so quick to jump to these conclusions because then they are only mental. Just because the play of consciousness is not apparent, don't be so quick to dismiss it and just go with the concept that there is no consciousness.

I know, I have been there. For three years I tried to figure out what this 'I am' was, and I can understand how attractive it must be to say there is no being. What is the reason to come to this? But all the sages have talked about being and consciousness and Atma. There was no need for any of this. It can be very compelling to come to these conclusions because there is frustration there at not discovering what is this being. 'Let me use a concept like I have done in the past to hide my fear. Let me close myself up to the inquiry because I know awareness is all there is.' So what needs to be looked at now? Don't fall into this, my beloved ones, because from experience I am telling you that it is not the end of suffering. In fact, it is the intensification of suffering to buy into these ideas, because ideas fighting ideas will not lead to the end of suffering, only to the increase in the intensity of it.

The sense that 'I exist' is primal to this existence. Even a child says, 'I woke up' and 'I went to sleep.' If animals could speak, they would also say, 'I woke up' and 'I went to sleep.' Even before the mind comes, the child will have the sense that 'I woke up' and 'I was asleep.' He will not be able to report it in words, but the presence or absence of this sense of existence is primal—primordial, in fact. This 'I am'-ness is Om. This consciousness is the primordial immaculate conception. And you will see that it is the light on its own screen. It is that which plays all the actors. And it is my blessing that may there be a time for all of us that this entire phenomenal play will seem like nothing but a tiny grain of sand, even smaller than that. And then may we all be able to say with full integrity: 'All is awareness and nothing has ever really happened.'

From here, the concept of believing it or not is meaningless. From here, and here alone, the concept of satsang or the sharing of this is meaningless. From here, this entire play is meaningless. Desire is meaningless. Aversion has no meaning. Freedom is nothing. Bondage does not exist. Because these are still just thoughts, still just ideas. And you know in your heart that there is a lot of belief in the person, and you know for yourselves that we are filled to the brim with desire. If it is seen that something is not done with the play, then don't be so quick to pick up the ultimate sounding idea.

The concept of satsang or the sharing of this is meaningless from here. This entire play is meaningless. Desire is meaningless. Perversion has no meaning. Freedom means nothing. Bondage does not exist. Because these are still just thoughts, still just ideas. And you know in your heart that there is a lot of belief in the person, and you know for yourselves that we are filled to the brim with desire. If it is seen that something is not done with the play, then don't be so quick to pick up the ultimate founding ideas just as ideas. If you must, then use them for your inquiry. Say that if this is the truth, how can I see this for myself? Otherwise, it is just another thought: 'I am God' or 'I am awareness.' It is not in service to the truth. No thought is in service to the truth unless it is used to remove all other thoughts.

Yes, you can come, my dear. Thank you. I was very glad you did this deep overview. I almost don't have the words, but there's something that hasn't been revealed in the inquiry with a very sense of lack—for lack of a better word—lack or deprivation, disappointment. It's so old, ancient. Missing out, being left out. Well, there's all that. And when I do the inquiry on who is feeling all that, it's just like television noise, you know? I don't get a better answer at all. So I wanted to offer it up. And some very core, core deep fear of something bad's going to happen, something really bad is going to happen, and I have to pick it myself. Very old. How do you work with that? How do you apply inquiry to those old, ancient feelings?

This is very good. we can look at this. So from what I understood from your question, it is that something which is very old, like the sense of lack, the sense of missing out, the sense of not getting it, the sense of isolation, the sense of being left out from what is happening, yes?

Yes, and the feeling of loneliness. This incredible loneliness. Oh my, it just takes over. Where there can be this wonderful experience with other people or one other person or myself, and then it goes away and suddenly there's this overwhelming loneliness, a takeover of being isolated and lonely.

And you say that it is very old. So what does it mean actually when we say it is old? It is that it has been here; it has been here for a long time. Now, what has been here? Let's look at what is happening. You already said that in the coming to satsang, all that has been kept here is being thrown out now. Thrown out. And sometimes it is accompanied by great feelings of bliss, joy, space, love—all of these. And then at times, old energetic patterns accompanied by these thoughts, which seem like they're here for many, many years—you can't even say when these thoughts have started here—yet all of this, in the light of your own looking, the light of your own inquiries, is getting released now. And when it is, it has to play out through this field of expression. So it has to be read out through this; it has to be seen through.

Now what can happen is that when energetically this old stuff is being thrown away, the mind tries to keep it back. It doesn't want to throw it away. So it comes in and says, 'Oh, this is still here.' I tell you, this is a trick. As it is being released, the mind comes and says, 'Oh, it's still here.' No, it is going. If you have the habit and you believe it, then it seems to again attach this belief that this fear is still here, you see? And we keep it back in our basket: 'Oh, it's still here.' Yes, like this. I know that it can seem like very strong fears are coming as we are leaving ourselves. You know what happened is that we have these fears and then we use our mind itself to repress these fears. So that also was conditioning. When that repressive conditioning got relieved, then that which it was repressing also is bound to show up again. But the showing up of it is now the simple allowing of it to go. But if we think about it, then we still hold on to it in a way.

I'm speaking a little figuratively now, but actually, in the simple openness to allow everything to come and go—even that which seems deeply uncomfortable, especially that—actually, it must be allowed to get released. This feels like isolation, loneliness. Sometimes you have the fear of... for some of you, you might even experience like the fear of death. Sometimes you experience like you are dying. Now, all of this must also be allowed to go through, must be allowed to be released. And you find that with this, my Master says—he also says it's not a very elegant example—but he says nobody likes it while they're vomiting. While that is happening, it is terrible, the feeling of just vomiting. But after that, even the garbage is out of your system, is it not? So while it is coming out, then sometimes what the mind tries to do is hold it back in because you don't want to feel this discomfort. We try to push it back in with some medicine or something. We try to push it back with some outside medication, just like the mind about this old conditioning, which actually is its attempt to just hold it back.

Because even on these ideas about ourselves, on these fears of being alone or isolated or dying—whatever the fear might be—the sense of identity strongly relies on these energetic patterns. Because we are in a very open state of mind, ideas and fears of one reality coming when the sense of vulnerability is coming here, we are tricked by ideas. So the mind doesn't want to get rid of all of these energetic, old patterns. But it is bound to happen. And actually, for me, it is a good sign that it is happening. That means your inquiry is not just mental. You actually mean your light on this. You're shining your light in all the places you are not afraid to look. And then when we are looking, something is pushing out this old stuff. Old stuff to scare you back into an 'orphan me.' You might even back away from this because the mind will come and say, 'But this is not what I came to satsang for.' It's a fright. 'I came here to feel good. I didn't come here to feel these feelings.' But I have never said that satsang is here to make you feel good. Actually, I have only said that here there is a mirror in which you can check what you truly are. That which is false will be released. All this dry conditioning will start to come out, and sometimes it can seem very strong.

And just half-jokingly, sometimes in those times, it's better if you're physically here because then at least you know I can hold your hand and I love you through all of this.

Wow, okay. I want to get on a plane and come. Wow, like next week. Since for you, you must come. But this hangout is my version of holding your hand, David. Yeah, I have to be here right at the... I mean, right that I have to be here today and for the rest of the week. I have no idea. And just your talking is making me so nervous, so anxious. I mean, I can barely sit still right now.

Yes, you miss one or whatever device you use...

I miss it. I know. I said it's my tablet. For some reason, my laptop wasn't working today, so I've got my... I'm holding my tablet in my hand. I'm trying to be still, but even as you're talking, I was getting more afraid.

Yeah, good, good. All of this release will happen. And just like that vomiting example, we must allow. And I can tell you from direct experience that you will feel a sense of spaciousness and openness and feeling better once all of this is gone, which is allowed to come out. Don't make any conclusion that this must be the end of it or anything like that. Nobody knows anything about how much is there or how much is not there.

Wouldn't work with that, Father. I heard some water in the background. Sorry to interrupt you. Move your mic a little closer. It's right here. Yeah, there's only a few of us that we can't hear very well. Thank you. Receive this. Is it audible?

Yeah, good thing. These are actually great equipment.

So what would be a good attitude to take during this time? Yeah, because this is going on and it's so uncomfortable. And I think I'm disappointed. There's this layer of disappointment on that. It can feel so unpleasant.

Yes, I understand this completely. And I feel also it's a good question: what should be my attitude when this is going on? I will say: as open as possible. And open as possible, what does it mean? As allowing as possible.

Well, I like that word. I do like the word 'welcome.'

Yes, yes. As non-resistive as possible. There is no 100%, and nobody is expecting 100% of anything. Just as much as possible, as much as natural. And in this, you will see that very soon this too shall pass. The thing that comes can stay. All phenomena is coming and going. Also, when it is happening, it feels like, 'How much of this stuff is there?' Like when you have a bad cold, you wonder, 'Where is this stuff coming from? It just doesn't stop.' But the cold gets over soon. The cold gets over no matter how bad the cold was. This is the beauty of phenomena, that no phenomenon is eternal. And as we remain open to this and in the allowing of this to pass through us, you find that much more spaciousness, so much more just ease. I can use the word 'ease,' which I really like. Ease will come as you allow all of this to go. And you will not... it will come to a point where so much of this is gone that you will start finding it very difficult to make any story about what happened to you. It will just be so quiet, with its moments of noise, then back to quiet. And then you will find that the seemingly noisy states don't last as long as misery. They become smaller and smaller. This medicine of openness or allowing. On the other hand, if we buy a lot of concepts now, then we have fallen back into the mind's trap, which is to add new conditioning on top of that which is old. That is why it is said that being in satsang as often as possible is because we've triggered something which is a cleanup. We've already triggered the cleanup. Now the cleanup will happen with a lot of these uncomfortable times, and the satsang is very supportive. I mean, it's a very open space which allows you also to be a little more reassured and open to allowing everything to happen.

Well, in this pattern of my mind, since I think I'm going to pass on now to about a month, I started, you know, with your silent retreat and then when you get back, and I've been coming to your satsang three days a week. I can do the three days a week because of the time difference. But even this morning I woke up... Father, your voice was breaking up a lot a few seconds ago. If you could repeat the word better. You were quick again.

Yes, yeah. We say you woke up early. Is that what it was? Now we've lost you completely.

May I come real, real fast? You can come, my dear. Lucia comes back, then she can rejoin. Okay, well, I did want to just say thank you. It's very late here and I'm going to go to sleep, but this satsang tonight was amazingly profound and I will watch it over and over. The silence was so strong. Thank you, thank you. I love you too. Namaste. Thank you. I guess take care everyone. I love all. Blessings. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.

Okay, let's go. The first one in the queue can come.

Father, hello, my dear. Tell us, Father. Um, so Father, like before coming to the satsang, I was just fighting with my personal thoughts. I started like... then I started following a pointing, not believing your next part, and that helped a lot because I didn't pick up any thought. Like as you mentioned, like not any part, even if it's happy, even if it was scary, even if it's anything at all. I didn't read anything into that. And before that, like I had read models saying like 'stay in the I am.' And as you mentioned, I was like, what is that 'I am' feeling? What is that? It's not even this. You said like it's a feeling, it's not a mantra and all that. So then I started following that.

Not believing your next part, that helped a lot because I didn't pick up any thought. As you mentioned, not any part—even if it's a happy one, even if it was scary, even if it's anything at all—I didn't read anything into that. Before that, I had read models saying things like 'stay in the I am' and, as you mentioned, I was like, 'What is that I am feeling?' You said it's a feeling, it's not a mantra and all that. So then I started following that: not believing the next part. I was just kind of like, whatever is coming up, I was not paying any attention to the thoughts. They were coming and going and silently, I felt that I-am-ness in me.

Suffer, much well. Apollo's... JP, please come. She can come after. People are asking a question now and after that you can come, my dear. I proposed if I hear so well, but we can mute her for some time till we finish this interaction and then she can... oh, sorry, sorry, sorry. I was talking to a boy when I didn't realize it wasn't me. Good plan.

So for that, I was doing this: not believing and not picking up any thought. In fact, whatever the current thought is, I never gave any helping hand to that thought. I didn't allow it to proceed further. In that process, somehow I felt that I-am-ness, or there is an existence in me which is like observing. Then somehow, after some time, I started something... it's like a trap. Like all the videos of Rupert Spira or Adyashanti and everything. Now the mind, which was fighting with the personal thought, now it's like, 'Why are you fighting for those kind of thoughts?' Like, 'This is true, this is not, this is not.' It's as if I'm trying to join the political party of some group or something.

I'm not sure political parties know the new Advaita parts. Freedom Party is traditional Advaita, Freedom Party everywhere, everything the Freedom Party of... and then there is all the other parts which also party. So it can be laid back, you know.

So Father, whatever you like, this may not look good. It happened like I picked up and then when I was following those guided meditations, I realized I kind of had an experience. But after that, I forgot what is consciousness, what is awareness and all this. Then I came to this: okay, I am here and all the thoughts and emotions are floating through me and all that. If somehow I got into this trap of mind where I was debating myself and trying to fit it to the frame of what they said, and I try to be like that... and somehow, somehow Father, today after a long frustration, I thought, 'What is that?' Then when I came back, I seeked back to the 'I am' and then I realized that is why Maharaj insisted, 'Don't add anything to the I am.' Even not, as you mentioned, like 'I am awareness' or 'I am consciousness' or 'I am this ocean, this other wave' or 'this is the sky, this is the clouds.' Even though they sound good, actually it's not helping because it's again picking... I am trying to fit into the frame. So Father, at the end again I saw where to start. Not believing the thought—where should I start? Should I go back to where I was not following anything? How should I start it? Why should I start it? It kept on going for hours together. Then I found, just before coming to satsang, I realized the voice which was saying 'where to start, how to start, when to start'... I thought, 'This is where I should start now. I should not help it.' It started going, you know, going this kind of thing.

Yeah, because...

Because Father, even honestly I would say, I know the feeling of consciousness, but I don't know what is that. I do know what is the awareness, I have heard it, but I honestly I don't know that. But in layman language I would say, yeah, I am here and I can see these are coming. Before joining the satsang, I used to think they are me and I am the packet of them. But now I see like if I don't pay attention, they just go away and then another one comes and I say, 'I don't know, I don't care,' then that goes. So that is what it is working. If I go back to this consciousness, awareness, everything and then the stages of realization... oh my god, it just makes me feel like I have to take some test exam to pass, to clear and to go to those stages. Then I would never... actually I can never become that.

Yeah, very good. Every time whenever you speak, I just feel like I'm talking to Maharaj. Even before Maharaj, I just feel like if I came to satsang a few years ago, this is how I would appreciate him. And I enjoy very much what you share because it comes from a place of very deep integrity. Did you see that? Yes, yes, those big words, they sound good. And even in certain awareness and consciousness, it feels like something... this is so beautiful. But ultimately even this confuses me. This is exactly what I would have said actually three years ago. Yes, so I like very much also what we said here in satsang today: don't attach anything to 'I am.' Not even the glorious, most spiritual, best-sounding terms. Don't attach anything because it is not in the attaching of concepts. It is not in the concept 'I am free' that freedom will be found. Of everything that you will find, this unassociated being is it. So it is not an outward journey that way, to pick up more and more and more glorious ideas, but it is in the dropping of these ideas. And in the dropping, I also posted another quote from Maharaj: 'You are already there as you are.' Dropping all concepts, it is often experienced that some fear is here, you see? But we must continue. We must stay with that. Just because some fear comes, then here we become in a rush to pick up some glorious concept and say, 'Now I found the master concept.' Do not attach anything. Any term that you are believing about I-am-ness—'I am whatever'—we might be believing actually is not it. Prior to that, so it is not in this way. Like I say, the 'I am' is a portal which goes both ways, you know? Even the most glorious concept... the truth will be found. Whatever actually... 'I am awareness,' 'I am God,' 'I am consciousness,' 'I am free'—none of these are useful or valuable. 'I am' is that portal concept. So when we go in this way to 'I am,' thinking 'let me add something to I am with my belief,' that is the only way, by the way, to add something to 'I am.' You see? To presumably add something to 'I am' is only with a belief. So 'I am whatever' cannot be added without believing that 'I am that whatever.' Now there's a portal which is both ways. So what does this mean? It means that the sense of being is here, the sense that 'I am' is here. I cannot stop being. And yet I can see that there is a time where even I-am-ness is not there. Yet I know that I must be, or I was to be able to report, and I know that I woke up. Therefore, though 'I am' is the sense 'I exist' that woke up, the sense of existence, am-ness, is something ultimate for me. And that is the walking through this portal to the truth of what we are. That this is 'I' which remains, you see? And how is this portal to be walked through? Just in the simplicity and openness. Not attaching anything to 'I am,' you will find automatically, naturally, the insight of this truth will reveal. Another way to inquire into this, then I have given you the tools, which is 'Am I aware now?' But you don't even have to put...

We missed that last part, Father. Can you repeat your rephrasing?

Oh, what did I say? Listen, I just said that the simplest, most natural way we can collect away is not to attach any attributes to this I-am-ness, and the truth of what 'am' is and what 'I' is will reveal itself most naturally. As long as we are not distracting ourselves with attributes to 'I am,' then it is not possible that the insight about what they are, what you are, is not revealed to you. So just itself, because the truth is already here. And yet if there's an urge to inquire, then we can use 'Am I aware now?' We can use, of course, we can use the inquiry 'Who am I?' and all that has to be revealed will reveal itself. If you see with this openness and integrity actually, and don't get caught up in any fancy ideas, then I feel that there is no way that the truth will not reveal itself.

Yes, Father. Like, once you mentioned... I have heard from you and also from Mooji that Papaji once said like he has to be vigilant till the last breath. Even that means like he was also... he knows that mind is a trickster or mind can throw anything. So even the saints also say that, even though they know like everything is consciousness, Brahman, but still they have to be... I don't know, like they have to be... so that gave me hope. Okay, so everybody has to be with that: not believing their mind or thought or anything.

Yes, yes, this is very important. And let me explain vigilance to you in some detail because vigilance can be also a confusing term. Vigilance to the mind is a fearful state, which means that 'I must constantly be on the lookout, who is coming to attack me?' You know, I'm like the guard at nighttime with my binoculars in my bunker, constantly, 'Is the enemy attacking me?' You see? But that is a very constricted state. That is not the vigilance that we are talking about. Yeah, so it is not this fearful 'Am I going to be attacked by the mind?' Not like that. It is just when something pinches somewhere, if some feeling of hurt or something is arising, some pain is arising, not to wish it away using some Advaita concept that 'I am awareness itself' or something, but to look at it and to see in those situations: what is it that I ended up believing? Especially for those who, through the Satguru's grace, have been put into positions of sharing the Satguru's words, especially for those it's very important to be vigilant in this way because it is very easy to bind to the idea that there is something special about 'me.' So this, when life gives us opportunities to look and somebody comes and says, 'But this is not right, this is free,' then we must not push them away and say, 'No, I know best.' You see? We must be vigilant then to check whether this is pointing to something which is being held onto here. Is some arrogance or specialness getting created here? You see? And life will always show us. Always shows. Yes, so that is why since the starting of sharing here, there has always been this prayer that if there is any arrogance here, may it be slapped out of me. Yes, and this is a prayer of vigilance actually. It's a prayer of openness to accept the feedback and not to be in Advaita denial of anything. Because the fact is that the recognition is that nothing had ever happened to awareness, and yet when the whack comes, it does feel like a whack. And therefore we must be open to inquiring and saying, 'What is it in this here that when it got chopped or when it's getting attacked, seems to cause some hurt?' And it is not so much a concern about momentary emotions which are coming and going, but if there is a sense of resentment, if the sense of guilt is there, a sense of aversion, then those we must not just hide away. We must bring them into our light and look at them. And this applies whether you're sharing satsang or not. As long as you're in this realm, appearing in this realm, this applies to all of us. Because nobody is 100% free from conditioning in this realm. Even the Avatars, even the greatest ones, even the greatest masters who have come and gone have had this conditioning. In this tiny conditioning, we still remain grounded, which keeps them... allows them to relate to the questioner, doesn't make them arrogant and unquestionable. So this is what I mean by vigilance, which is just this openness when something seemingly gets attacked, to be able to look at it objectively and say, 'I'm open to life showing me if there is some arrogance here or some specialness here.' This is this.

Even the greatest ones, even the greatest masters who have come and gone, have had this condition. In this tiny conditioning, we still remain grounded, which allows them to relate to the questioner, doesn't make them arrogant and unquestionable. So this is what I mean by vigilance, which is just this openness when something seemingly gets attached, to be able to look at it objectively and say, 'I'm open to life showing me if there is some arrogance here or some specialness here.' This does not end. And also, one says that 'I don't need to look anymore' or 'I know everything there is to know'—you see, both are not true. Insights will continue. Fresh waves of seeing even that which seems so obvious now, fresh ways of expressing that which seemed so obvious now, will happen. And this openness is the key for all of this. So whittling continues and new insights, they continue. Realm is appearing; I feel that both of these will continue. Thank you for the clicker.

And then the last thing, Father, like you mentioned earlier, I should not be jumping to the conclusions too early. Like, should not make any conclusion. Because I'm sticking to that, making the conclusions like, 'Okay, I got it now, I have to do this now. Okay, this one I got it, then next one.' This is all the conclusions, I guess. Drive that I because...

Never make a conclusion. After this, you can see that you never have to make a conclusion, including this one. Because if I make a conclusion, then I have to keep it with me, add that to the 'my-ness,' add that to the 'I-am-ness' and keep on feeding it to make it grow and always like to make it survive. Yes, the model has that again—openness. All that needs to express itself, all that needs to be said, will also just be there. There will be no clinging on to even the words that come out from this mouth. So we need to make no conclusions, and never do we need to speak from some place of conclusion, because conclusion means what? Concept. And concept means what? A belief that I have picked up, theory. And we were just saying that as long as this play continues in this realm, there will be some beliefs picked up. This recognition that 'I picked up this belief,' then we must look into it and drop it. If it is not finger-snap droppable, then we can inquire into it and say, 'Who believes this? Who sees this to be the truth?' And in this inquiry, in the light of this enquiry, no conclusion, no concept can really survive it. We must be open to being wrong, like a very vulnerable state where we are open to being wrong. So then we know that we are not making any conclusion. So whatever conclusion we have made also, we might remain there subtly. Just notice: what is it that you don't want to be wrong about? And throw that away. The fact is a constant, and this beautiful inquiry, it continues till the tangles... To be vigilant means like this one: to check what is it even here now which I don't want to be wrong about? And if that exposes something, that must be looked at and allowed to be released, but not with... Oh, you said something very beautiful yesterday. You said that Alan Watts said that there is a difference between sincerity and seriousness. So this vigilance must be completely sincere but doesn't have to be all serious. It can be like a game which is very sincerely played. Not be, 'Oh, I'm seriously being vigilant now.' You see? Because in that seriousness, there can be a lot of guilt, remorse, regret—all this. None of that. Sincere, yet full of joy.

Thank you, Father. I know like if time permitted, I would talk with you for hours together, but I know there is a queue behind me. I'll take it. Thank you, Father. That was simple.

Thank you. Want to come over? Come.

Hello, Father. I'm sorry, I lost connection earlier.

No worries, idea. Okay.

And for some reason I can't come back, the video's not working. Anyway, I'm back. Thank you.

Is it Lucia? Sorry, who is speaking? Is it Guruji or Lucia speaking? It's Lucia. And then drop it, you like you up, Dr. Lucia. Okay, Lucia's good. Long route, my dear. Give me here. Ah, okay. How about that? Better?

Yes, yes. Okay. You were saying before I lost connectivity that it's good to come to satsang, and I've been coming now for a month, three times a week at least. And it seems to be affecting the rest of my life in terms of my schedule. I can't seem to be getting the same amount of sleep as I was, and one friend already suggested that maybe I need to create a new structure for my life to include all this. So I'm wondering how do people deal with all this, this new energy that's released? I feel a bit... there's someone else...

Be wonderful. Just go. You better. I'm ready. You know what you mean. They can give them. For some reason my picture isn't showing. Oh, there I am. Nope. Anyway, hello.

Really? No, no. See, so the question is like when you start coming to satsang, then there can be some feeling that the structure of my life and the way I have planned it has to change in some way. How do you know stuff? I feel like everything is roses. You might see in all of life, everything is changing all the time. So like, it's just maybe a time of... so I feel like we can find... says like we're just here now and just be with whatever is here this moment. You can integrate your always to do anything by yourself. Freedom, like another my sauces. Thank you.

I can go down there and say like it does feel like everything is changing and life is really different than it was even a month ago. And it's okay, it's just really different. Just something small about the sleep. And so I've been in India now since mid-February. Yeah, before that I haven't been sleeping well. And it used to be a big issue, like mind would make it, you know, 'How would I get by?' Then they had a, you know, 'I have an important day, I have a lot of work.' Yeah. And the other day I was at another sleepless kind of night and I opened up the book exactly at the page I would read. He was saying, you know, 'I get these questions from people saying I haven't been sleeping well. Is that really a problem? I mean, has anything been affected your life beyond that concept in your mind that it's a problem?' There's a lot of energy is released in satsang and some kind of significance dropped. A lot of things. Just reading that, it's confirming. Yeah, that's been my experience. And my mind keeps saying it's a problem, it's a problem, it's a problem. Actually, it's not a problem. The day-to-day, I'm not tired during the least of them. Is that one?

Yeah, the mind saying is over. That's the problem. Is the mind complaining and worrying about not getting enough sleep? Yes, that makes sense. Yeah.

You also have because you have work and things well. So actually, and I have this aspect also and I could completely understand that it's not only the mind that is commenting, but actually you can feel it, that discomfort. Like when you start the inquiry, like when you declare this world that 'Now I want to know who I am,' here like a storm of change comes and everything starts to change. For example, I come to work, then I come to satsang, and there is a huge difference between the energy which is present in the inner solution and then in the involvement of the work where you have to do something, where you have to respond to various kind of calls. And sometimes these alterations in the energies are so high, so intense that like you could feel like one moment you are in heaven and one moment you are in hell. I thought literally there's some time for energy in such a fluctuating state that you feel the intense pain in the same way you feel the intense bliss. And sometimes I try to talk with Father and say, 'What I hate...' He realized that generally in addiction to the energy themes. So what happened that I was just using sponsorship as a first resource. It happened that, you know, there was one other master that I used to go before coming here. It was Mother Nirmala Devi here. So it happened that there was a medicinal center very near to my house. So I just went there one day and they are supposed to be a part of life and these energies and all, like they are experts in chakras and everything. So I went to them and I kind of enjoyed the presence there very much. But then after that, I presented this question that 'I am feeling these intense fluctuations in the energy and sometimes I feel that I can't bear these changes which are happening.' And they have like this kind of way to see it, to measure it. So they do. And so they simply put me this question that 'Are you going to some satsang of some master?' And I said, 'Yes.' It stopped. He loved the bed. And in a way, I knew already that here...

I'll bring your key. I'm going to do the first... we take the birth to treat and educationist and we were just hugging everyone and something just strongly came, bliss or something came for him. He can only tell us what it was, but it was like cue because the body didn't want to move. Also you became this, you know, and some crying was happening and I don't remember what he was kind of in a paralyzed state. Body was paralyzed in the state. And then Kari whittling means you do something good. I mean, she went to everyone here and to humble and divided into who has a number told of... I don't... ruin happen. I'm very much... I believe it you like that. But I knew it is all auspiciousness. And sometimes these energy fluctuations in state, so bliss can come, sometimes out-of-body experiences can come. It's all okay. It's all okay. In fact, things have become much milder now. I mean, you connect... I was really have to loosen a story and then you ship everything. But in fact, I remember when I was sharing with Guruji also this time, I used to read it and after going to Tiruvannamalai in 2009 and my first few satsangs, after satsang it would just feel like the body is out. He was just in the room. They were just lying around over there in the satsang hall. This is feeling like this is nothing, it's an inert object. You just feel like that. And though this French lady who's in charge of the whole cleanup, yes, so she wanted to do her job really well. All has to be snicket. So although everyone else in satsang, everything would say, 'You can keep sitting in satsang hall and marinate in this after satsang is over,' inevitably within 10 minutes or 15 minutes, it could feel like... I don't know actually how long it was to be chairs. She would just come and then after 15, 'Come on, get up, get up now. Satsang is over. Go, go.' Certainly lay right here. So then this time some in the team were sharing about how to deal with these kind of experiences when they come and things like this. And it is attested very gently and you know, every time tell everything to happen energy, I was reminded of those times. All this was never even looked at this time. Get up, it's time to go. Yes, you see? What do you think?

So I was saying there this struggle between the intense fluctuation in the energies were happening, and especially after coming from Rishikesh and like Mooji, that like huge softer coming like this intense fluctuation and was struggling history. And then suddenly when this incident happened that I went to this medicine center and they said that it is because you are going to this expansion and if you want to stop this, so you have to stop going to satsang. Okay, so I already knew it, but then he said this, then it kind of triggered something else and intercom and I said like in my heart, like it was said that if it is whatever pain or whatever this fluctuation that I am feeling, if it is happening or being triggered because of the presence, because of this divine presence of a master, then let it do whatever it wants to, let it do whatever it can do. I don't care. And it was like kind of fearlessness, fierceness, that because I know in my heart that it is auspicious.

But then he said this, then it kind of triggered something else. And in my heart, it was said that if it is whatever pain or whatever this fluctuation I am feeling, if it is happening or being triggered because of the presence, because of this divine presence of a Master, then let it do whatever it wants to do. Let it do whatever it can do; I don't care. And it was like a kind of fearlessness, a fierceness, because I know in my heart that it is auspiciousness, no matter how it may appear, in whatever form it may appear. And when I said yes in that moment, that 'let it do whatever it wants to do, I don't care,' and then I went to job, it was complete openness. Let me feel it in its completeness, in its entirety. What we analyzed in its entirety really means completeness. And after this acceptance, just like in wonder today, is it okay to share an experience?

Of course.

So, I don't know from where it came, this experience that I could feel a tangible space unmoved, and these fluctuations, this pain and bliss, seemed to be appearing in it. Yes, and this space was unmoved. And after that, it remained like that for a very long time, this tangible space, like no matter whatever this is.

But oh, there we can hear him. Can you? You're frozen, Papa. Can you hear me? You move from your... My pleasure. Thank you. Namaste. Sangha is recorded. More peace. We will meet again. Jai Jai Ram Ji Ki. Darshan.